5 Songs That Would Make You Fight Douchey People

14 09 2009

Ah, the power of music and what it does to the human brain. Songs from Pink Floyd make you want to slit your wrist, Black Eyed Peas make you want to either shake ya ass or punch a series of midgets in drag. You get the idea. Music is a powerful communication tool that makes us feel good, bad and sometimes nothing at all. . . nothing at all . . . nothing at all! Stupid Sexy FlandersStupid sexy Flanders!

Good god.

Anyway, some songs just make you, not so much angry, as it just makes you want to start punching people, repeatedly. In the face. Or the dick. One or the other. So, the following list, you may agree or disagree, are so full of aggression that you want to fight douchebags just because they are there. I will try not to put obscure hardcore bands because I’m kind of oblivious to all of that and don’t need a hardcore flame war going on. Jackasses.

And as an added bonus I break down the punchability of the elderly by the awesome “Douchey-Punch-O-Meter” it gives an accurate result as to how many douchey people you can knock around before it is out of your system.

#5 Bulls on Parade – Rage Against The Machine

Technically, I could do every single Rage song and it would fit under this list. But “Bulls” is just a straight punch to the face right off the bat. Even the infamous, “Killing in the Name” with it’s “Fuck you I won’t do whatcha tell me!!” line starts off a bit slow. “Bulls” jumps on your chest and pounds your skull into a wall. It’s one of those songs that you get angry at the government for no reason and you could the president. I can see Obama cranking this and punching Joe Wilson in the cakehole.

Douchey-Punch-O-Meter: 5 Ferrari Driving 70 year olds

#4  “Wu-Tang Clan Ain’t Nuttin ta Fuck Wit” – Wu-Tang Clan (No shit?)

The Wu are one of the best hip hop groups of all time. And their classic “Fuck wit” song is off their first album and it immediately lets the listener know that they are going to fuck shit up. And then it spreads to the listener and they feel they are an angry black guy and wind up getting their asses kicked. And then they go home crying and wondering why there dad left them all those years ago to shack up with a stripper in Las Vegas who used to have a penis and went by the name of George before changing it to “Georgina the Georgia Peach” . . . where was I?

Oh yeah. Wu-Tang Clan ain’t nuttin ta fuck wit!!!

Douchey-Punch-O-Meter: 10 guys who wear chick pants to show they have no dick

#3 “Fucking Hostile” – Pantera

This is another band who I could devote an entire article kicking a douchebag’s ass repeatedly. Maybe against a stone wall, yeah that would work wonders. This one flat out tells you from the title that it will call you a fucking ugly bitch, kick your puppy, stab you to death and play with your blood. (I officially met my weekly quota of using American Psycho quotes in daily speech, thank you, thank you!) The song is also helped by Dimebag’s monstrous guitar work and Phil’s raging vocals. The dude might have been a prick during his drug days but he could fuckin scream. He isn’t on par with Rob Halford of Judas Priest who I have recurring nightmares of me waking up to him standing over my bed and screaming in my face with his angry bald gay head. And I don’t mean gay as an insult, the dude is gay, go ask him. Or listen to early Priest records and it becomes kind of obvious. Anyway, here is the Douchey-Punch-O-Meter.
Douchey-Punch-O-Meter: 14 White kids who think they are black and one cat lady
#2  “March of the Pigs” – Nine Inch Nails

Ever wanted to just roll in mud for a while, then when that got boring just run out and kick someone in the side of the face? Yeah I never did that either, no, why would I want to do that? Don’t look at me that way!
Anyway, this song makes me want to break glass or something and maybe go outside for a little while to catch a breeze. And dress like a werewolf. While drunk. And maybe have my penis out, because what the hell? Might as well go the whole nine yards, am I right fellas? Aww yeeaaah you know it! *high five*
Douchey-Punch-O-Meter: 20 guys named either Rex, Troy or “Flex” or any name referring to working out. And maybe 5 Guidos named Anthony, pronounced “Antnee”
#1 “Raining Blood” – Slayer

SLAYYYEEERRRRRRRRRR!!!!!! Sorry, they are one of those bands that has to be said that way or the effect isn’t quite there. Anyway, this song is just flat out evil and it should come with a warning that it may just make you kill random people then blame it on the neighbor’s dog for telling you to do it. Not that I would know about that sort of thing. . . WHAT!? You didn’t see SHIT!! I’ll stab you in the cockhole!
Douchey-Punch-O-Meter: Every. Single. Long Island. Douche. Bag. In Existence.

5 Cartoons That Make Me Long for a Time Machine

11 09 2009

Ahh, children’s shows. Who doesn’t have amazing memories of cartoons from their youth? They were an escape from reality, school, parents and the inevitable masturbation habit that would soon replace these beloved cartoon icons. Now, I was born in that foul year of the God’s 1981. I remember when cartoons were made for one thing, to sell toys. They weren’t out to teach me a lesson (that is what Eureak’s Castle was for).Eureaka's Muthafuckin Castle!Batley FTW!

No, cartoons of my youth were meant to sell me toys and to show how fucking awesome it was to be an animated animal/human/humanoid/cyborg/monster. When I look back on these cartoons it is easy to see that some have not aged well, nor even synched right half the time, or even the right fucking colors. That is neither here nor there, what we are here for is to see the awesomeness of cartoons of my youth! Let’s go! C’mon, let us run like wild rabbits!

#5.     He-Man and the Masters of the Universe

He-Man, paving the way to be gayIs it sexy in here or it just me? Ho, ho!

Yeah, yeah, get the gay jokes out of the way. Other than that, He-Man was the closest thing a kid could get to watching Arnold rip shit up as Conan the Barbarian, without the boobs and heads rolling like, well, heads rolling. I pretty much likened He-Man to Conan until I was able to actually watch the flick and realize they had no similarities other than muscular builds, ass-kicking and a chick you may or may not be attracted to but feel weird if you are not attracted to her. Ah-nuldI marry who? I’m the governor of what!?

The thing is, what wasn’t there to like about He-Man? The show had awesome characters, magic, demons and Skeletor. The comedy was sub-par at best and the one liners were nowhere near Ninja Turtle caliber, but it did the job. The animation was wonky as all hell and there was definitely questionable homoeroticism (dammit, gay joke) but the show was harmless enough and made boys want to be, well, it made us want to look like wrestler HHH when we got older.

Trips“Fuck a sword, I just need a water bottle!”

Not that there is anything wrong with being a barbarian. Just there are laws against beheadings and I don’t think society smiles on people in furry hot pants and boots, at least not those with a dick.

#4     X-Men

X-MENNot the only title to employ electricity *Spoiler*

Ah, yes, this was a great show. This fueled my comic collecting in full force when I was 10 or 11. X-Men wasn’t as serious as Batman The Animated Series but it still captivated kids with Wolverine being a badass and Gambit being a smooth motherfucker, so much so that I walked around acting like him and talking in a poor Cajun-New Jersey hybrid accent. Oh, and I was fat too, double trouble.

Gambit, sizzlin the ladiesYep, that was how I saw myself, except fatter . . .

The show also showed me that spandex suits wasn’t just reserved for wrestlers, oh no, it showed me the curves of the lady folk. Sure, they were drawn and animated but at the time it was the only thing I was able to watch that had tits. I had no access to porn and this was before the internet became available to the masses. So I developed bizarre crushes on the animated ladies of X-Men. My favorite was Rogue, the sassy Southern belle that sucked out people’s energy/mutant power/life in general when she made skin contact. She was my woman at the time.

RogueYep, melted me like butter on a griddle

Christ, I need to seek help.

#3     Batman: The Animated Series

Batman, na na na na na BATMAN!Shit, that lightning is getting close! Must. Scowl. MORE!

Honestly, this show was NOT made for kids, but fuck us back then, it was quality viewing! I watched an episode not too long ago and Batman helped a guy kick his drug habit in fuckin rehab! See, it was somewhat educational for the future junkie in all of us! Anyway, this was Batman at his finest after the 1989 Batman and before Chris Nolan’s Batman Begins and Dark Knight. All of the other Batman related items really didn’t do the Dark Knight justice (ha, slight pun). Others state that Batman Beyond was decent, but seriously, nothing holds a candle to the original Fox Kids run of Batman. The show had dark tones, very dark themes and Mark (motherfuckin Luke Skywalker!) Hamill as the Joker. This was also the introduction to everyone’s favorite sociopathic sex God, Harley Quinn. Something about a chick in a jester outfit . . .

Harley!Yeaaah, she can blow me up anytime.

Batman the Animated series showed us that Batman was more than a guy in a suit that made words like “PUNT!” “BOOM!” “SHAZAM!”  flash on the screen. No disrespect to Adam West, but seriously, that sent Batman back a few years. At least kids of my era had an idea of what a tortured soul Batman really was and that he was no more human than we were; you know, except for the whole parents murdered in front of us so we take our inheritance our father left us (in our case a Coke and a smile) and go on an insane life-long vigilante mission to rid the world of evil. . .

I’m lucky if I’m able to rid myself of hemorrhoids.

#2    Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Turtles!Donatello makes the save by covering Leonardo’s dick

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, the mecca of kids screaming in their parent’s faces when they wanted a new toy. What is there not to love about 4 mutated turtles who loves them some pizza, use kung-fu on ninja robots, use hip late 80’s slang like “Radical!” and “Tubular!” and take orders from a 6-foot Japanese rat? Jesus Christ, it sounds like a bad stoner flick doesn’t it?

Fuck you because it doesn’t! It was quality programming to make us want toys that we would end up breaking or lose to playground bets. Shit man, those were tough times running a dice game racket.

Craps!I remember it like it was yesterday . . .

The show had a way of infusing futuristic technology and ancient Japanese martial arts to make an amazing mix of kick-assery. (I hear by proclaim “kick-assery” an official word, by the by.) Anyway, most people would put this at the top of their list, not me. A buddy of mine and me were discussing that the later seasons kind of lost their luster. The first few were great but they really started to jump the shark after a while. And I could be wrong but I think the animation started to get lazy too with stranger ways of drawing the turtles and not a care as to how they looked. . .

TMNTYeah. Lazy eye confuses the best of us.

. . . maybe its just me.

And drum roll please. . . .

. . .

Oh for fuck’s sake.

*drum roll*




transformersFuck! We’re stuck in a middle school kid’s math grid paper!

This was the show of my youth. Giant robots that turned to vehicles and had epic battles on Earth. You all know the backstory to this diddy of a show. What makes this show stand out for me above all the others though? One crazy fucker is what defined the show for me:

starscream“It’s on like Voltron” or “Yep, in your sister AND your mother too!”


Without Starscream the show would not have been as awesome. There, I said it. He made the show for me, from his suspiciously sounding Cobra Commander voice (Why change the voice? Whatever gets the lil bastards buying toys.) to his ridiculous attempts to overthrow Megatron to which he successfully did in the movie and . . . well, we all know what happened there, ya greedy fuck.

Transformers showed up heroism and an equal amount of being an evil bastard. It had a nice balance to it that made all the characters likable to some degree. You can’t sit there and not tell me that once in a while you rooted for Megatron to fuck up Optimus and laugh that smokers laugh of his at a twitching Optimus Prime in his last moments. Liars.

Up yo ASSDoes he look like a bitch?

Now with the movies Transformers are all the fuckin rage again. But my heart still belongs to the original show where Megatron turned to a gun and Starscream used him to blow shit up. Thinking back on it, Megatron wasn’t shit without Starscream firing him. No wonder Megatron was paranoid as fuck about Starscream taking over. I’d be too if someone used my penis to fire at giant battling robots.