5 Songs That Would Make You Fight Douchey People

14 09 2009

Ah, the power of music and what it does to the human brain. Songs from Pink Floyd make you want to slit your wrist, Black Eyed Peas make you want to either shake ya ass or punch a series of midgets in drag. You get the idea. Music is a powerful communication tool that makes us feel good, bad and sometimes nothing at all. . . nothing at all . . . nothing at all! Stupid Sexy FlandersStupid sexy Flanders!

Good god.

Anyway, some songs just make you, not so much angry, as it just makes you want to start punching people, repeatedly. In the face. Or the dick. One or the other. So, the following list, you may agree or disagree, are so full of aggression that you want to fight douchebags just because they are there. I will try not to put obscure hardcore bands because I’m kind of oblivious to all of that and don’t need a hardcore flame war going on. Jackasses.

And as an added bonus I break down the punchability of the elderly by the awesome “Douchey-Punch-O-Meter” it gives an accurate result as to how many douchey people you can knock around before it is out of your system.

#5 Bulls on Parade – Rage Against The Machine

Technically, I could do every single Rage song and it would fit under this list. But “Bulls” is just a straight punch to the face right off the bat. Even the infamous, “Killing in the Name” with it’s “Fuck you I won’t do whatcha tell me!!” line starts off a bit slow. “Bulls” jumps on your chest and pounds your skull into a wall. It’s one of those songs that you get angry at the government for no reason and you could the president. I can see Obama cranking this and punching Joe Wilson in the cakehole.

Douchey-Punch-O-Meter: 5 Ferrari Driving 70 year olds

#4  “Wu-Tang Clan Ain’t Nuttin ta Fuck Wit” – Wu-Tang Clan (No shit?)

The Wu are one of the best hip hop groups of all time. And their classic “Fuck wit” song is off their first album and it immediately lets the listener know that they are going to fuck shit up. And then it spreads to the listener and they feel they are an angry black guy and wind up getting their asses kicked. And then they go home crying and wondering why there dad left them all those years ago to shack up with a stripper in Las Vegas who used to have a penis and went by the name of George before changing it to “Georgina the Georgia Peach” . . . where was I?

Oh yeah. Wu-Tang Clan ain’t nuttin ta fuck wit!!!

Douchey-Punch-O-Meter: 10 guys who wear chick pants to show they have no dick

#3 “Fucking Hostile” – Pantera

This is another band who I could devote an entire article kicking a douchebag’s ass repeatedly. Maybe against a stone wall, yeah that would work wonders. This one flat out tells you from the title that it will call you a fucking ugly bitch, kick your puppy, stab you to death and play with your blood. (I officially met my weekly quota of using American Psycho quotes in daily speech, thank you, thank you!) The song is also helped by Dimebag’s monstrous guitar work and Phil’s raging vocals. The dude might have been a prick during his drug days but he could fuckin scream. He isn’t on par with Rob Halford of Judas Priest who I have recurring nightmares of me waking up to him standing over my bed and screaming in my face with his angry bald gay head. And I don’t mean gay as an insult, the dude is gay, go ask him. Or listen to early Priest records and it becomes kind of obvious. Anyway, here is the Douchey-Punch-O-Meter.
Douchey-Punch-O-Meter: 14 White kids who think they are black and one cat lady
#2  “March of the Pigs” – Nine Inch Nails

Ever wanted to just roll in mud for a while, then when that got boring just run out and kick someone in the side of the face? Yeah I never did that either, no, why would I want to do that? Don’t look at me that way!
Anyway, this song makes me want to break glass or something and maybe go outside for a little while to catch a breeze. And dress like a werewolf. While drunk. And maybe have my penis out, because what the hell? Might as well go the whole nine yards, am I right fellas? Aww yeeaaah you know it! *high five*
Douchey-Punch-O-Meter: 20 guys named either Rex, Troy or “Flex” or any name referring to working out. And maybe 5 Guidos named Anthony, pronounced “Antnee”
#1 “Raining Blood” – Slayer

SLAYYYEEERRRRRRRRRR!!!!!! Sorry, they are one of those bands that has to be said that way or the effect isn’t quite there. Anyway, this song is just flat out evil and it should come with a warning that it may just make you kill random people then blame it on the neighbor’s dog for telling you to do it. Not that I would know about that sort of thing. . . WHAT!? You didn’t see SHIT!! I’ll stab you in the cockhole!
Douchey-Punch-O-Meter: Every. Single. Long Island. Douche. Bag. In Existence.
RAAAAGGHH!! HULK SMASH DOUCHEBAGS!!Yes. Kill. Them. ALL!!!!
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One response

3 10 2009
iissy

Damnit, I wish I was as creative as you. My blog is sooo boring. lol.

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