The D-Files (Douchebag)

9 04 2010

Sweet Jesus. The days are getting longer, the sun is shining a bit more brightly, birds are chirping their collective asses off. So you know what that means don’t you, kids? That’s right! The douchebags are coming! They’re already starting to infect the local beaches already from war front reports already. Thankfully, the weather won’t be too warm this weekend so that will keep those fuckers at bay for a little while. It just seems the seasons start way too early. We just get done cleaning up after those fucktwits and they come to rape the sands with their fist pumps and steroid shrunk penises. Some would akin this to pure gonzo rape and I would have to agree! I can sit here and blame the show “Jersey Shore” for the influx of douchebags. I won’t go there, that is too easy and c’mon, do we really need more shit about Snooki being cold cocked in the face? (click the picture if it doesn’t move)

Actually, even though it IS a girl, there is something sickly rewarding about this.

Chances are if you have stumbled upon this, you are fully aware of what a douchebag is. To the uninformed or those who have heard of this term and feel it is a feminine product, brother, you are dead wrong.

This ain't yo momma's douchebag anymore

NO! This is not what we are talking about here! Whoa no! Dear children gather around and see what abominations that have spewed forth on the once respectable seaside towns of New Jersey! Behold the douchebag that infects the world with their asshole ways and STD-laden fingers!

Ugh, look at them! God hates douchebags.

Now, I have studied these fiends for quite some time. In face I have personally dealt with them on a personal basis from working at a local bar. Here are the stats:

Name: Douchebag(s), Long Island Douchebag, North Jersey Douchebag, Guido, Fuckin guido, Bag of Douche, Douchearus Bagarus

Species: At one time human, now simply a bag. Of douche.

Height: They average around 5’3 to 5’10. The Italian gene has not been kind to them.

Lifespan: We have yet seen one live past 30 since this is a new species.

Origin: Northern New Jersey and parts of New York City. The biggest migration of this species hails from Long Island. Or as their bizarre speech (more on that later) dicates, “Long Giland”

Environment: The douchebag is at home at any place that plays loud, bass-thumping dance music. It can just be a fat man going “untz untz untz untz” into a microphone placed in his mouth. If it can be made into a dance song, it will be played and they WILL dance to it! Poorly I might add.


Physical Features: Fake skin that is tanned to the finest of assless chaps brown color, hair spiked like Sonic the Hedgehog after an orgy with Got 2 Be Hair Glue or Elmer’s if on a tight budget.

If Sonic was a douchebag

Muscular body that is usually aided by the way of steroids. A douchebag can not bother with spending time in the gym when he can be ripping the clubs up. If one sees a douchebag at the gym, they are there to try to impress someone. DO NOT BE FOOLED!

Seriously, WHAT. THE. FUCK!?

They also have the bizarre tendency to have lips in a permanent “kiss face” like a kissing fish or Derek Zoolander. They feel the need to do the “Magnum” or “Blue Steel” in every picture ever taken of them in their environment. This may either be a courting type of behavior or to ward off enemies, we are not sure as we are laughing too hard at them.

Dear God Ben Stiller, what have you done!??

They also wear clothes by a clothing line called Ed Hardy. If you are seen looking at a shirt that says, Ed Hardy, you will be shot on sight by our crack team of Douchebagologists. DO NOT even LOOK at an Ed Hardy shirt. It is to note that these shirts are worn at the the smallest size possible to fit their frames, I guess it is to make their muscles stand out? They also accommodate this with tight jeans that show the ill-effects of steroid use and the male penis. They also tend to wear obnoxious jewelry like silver/gold chains and other “accessories.”

Personality Traits: Loud, obnoxious, egotistical-like behavior that borders on the megalomaniacal. They always seem to have a smirky grin from an over-inflated ego when they are having a “good time.” Since the steroids are so infused in their blood they can snap at any given moment. Most of the time it is their cosmopolitan drinks in a plastic cup spill on their shimmery new Ed Hardy shirt (with a gold sequined tiger marauding a fish or some shit) that drive them over the top. Or if someone accidentally bumps into them while they are, “fish-pumping like a champion” on the dance floor. It is best to turn and move in the other direction when one sees a douchebag as their behavior and general aura is one that will suck a victim into the endless void of stupidity. Their dialect is a peculiar item as they interject syllables into words that make them sound entirely like new words! For example, you say “bathroom” they say “batchroom” What is a “batchroom?” I guess it is where cookies are made? We are still deciphering their bizarre language.

Yeaaaah, now dat's a batchroom youse guyz!

It is interesting to note that while dancing they do a strange type of . . . mating call? It is a bizarre arm flex called, “fist pumping.”

The man on the right may be his dad

Now apparently, this is a joyous gesture if they like a song. It is pretty much the white man equivalent of break dancing. The douchebag cares about their looks than most women do their entire lives. So they do not want to mess their hair up too much because, then what reason do they have to live? So the fist pump is as close to dancing as they get.

Now, what sort of person would be attracted to this kind of beast? Why, it is quite simple! The douchette!

May or may not have been a man at one point

Notice she exhibits the same, “Blue Steel” look anytime a camera flashes. And her skin looks as if it is the color of the finest mahogany furniture in Ron Burgundy’s apartment. You can pretty much apply the same traits to the Douchette, except that her breasts are made entirely out of plastic and chances are she will experience silicon leaking while dancing or even trying her hand at fist pumping.

Now that we have a more in-depth look at these fucking jokers, we know our mission. Your training is for this purpose. Polish the sniper rifles my loves, for we are hunting guidos this summer.

We shall avenge you, Sniper Cat


Erotic Fiction: The Party

28 11 2009

I tend to find myself to be the romantic type. So I decided to delve into the strange world of erotic fiction. Enjoy!

I walked into my friend’s party. It was a nice sized affair, I’d say about 20 people were mingling about. I had been alone for a while so I was looking around for a pretty young lady to talk to. It was a lame party and everyone looked sad. It was probably because there was no music playing. Music always gets a party going.

I scanned the room and decided I was going to only stay a little while until I saw her! She was gorgeous in every sense of the word. She had long black hair, pale skin, tall but average sized body (I’m not one for ultra-skinny girls), prosthetic left leg, crystal blue eyes, one finger too many on her right hand and an award winning smile with all her teeth!

My eyes caught her one eye, the other was looking the other way and I sauntered on over. I introduced myself meekly.

“Oh, HI THERE! My name is BILL!” I whispered and screamed. I have a hard time controlling the sound of my voice.

“Uhm, hi my name is Tina.” She said half afraid and was clutching her purse.

“IT’S okay. I can’t HELP the way I TALK! So WHAT brings you HERE tonight?”

“Ah, I came with my friend Donna, she knows Steve. Uhm, if you don’t mind I need to go to the bathroom. I have to adjust my leg.” I could sense the shiver of passion in her voice. She then looked at me deep into my eyes and crinkled her nose in such a cute way I was overjoyed at the cuteness of her face.

“Why do I smell shit or no wait, bad body odor? Maybe it is shit . . . ?” Tina said slightly gagging.

“Oh, THAT would be ME! I ran out of TOILET paper the other DAY! I can’t AFFORD to buy ANYmore until TUESDAY!” I blurted and tried not to embarrasses myself in front of this goddess.

“Wow, that is truly disgusting. Don’t you shower at all? Oh fuck, I’m going to be ill.” She said between dry heaves.

“NO I don’t SHOWER before a GATHERING! I read my NATURAL body odor IS attractive to WOMEN. Like what ANIMALS give OFF when they ARE in heat.”

Tina looked at me, mouth agape and her left eye trying to look at me while the other looked dead ahead into my very soul.

“You are fucking insane. Please leave me alone now.” Tina said with such regret in her voice I wanted to take her in my arms right then and there.

“I AM really a NICE guy. I LIVE with MY mom and SHE said I’M the coolest GUY in town.” I said slightly boastfully but modest. Mother always dotes on me in front of her bridge club.

“No, really, Bill, Jim, whatever the fuck your name is, please leave me alone. Actually, if you could leave, that would be great. You’re starting to offend the guests now.” My angel from heaven said.

“Can we GO out SOMEtime? I have an AWESOME petri DISH collection of SPORES!” I said knowing I had totally won her over.

“No. Fuck. Off.” Tina said tearfully. I know it was hard for her but she knew we could never be together no matter how much our loins longed for each other. She was either crying or my natural odor was so powerful to her that she couldn’t bear not having me right then and there. She had promptly thrown a glass of vodka in my face. I knew she couldn’t stand knowing that my scent would attract another, so she was masking it.

She limped away and fell down, her fake leg gave out and she was pulled away by her friend. I stood there, dripping with my love’s drink all over me. I stood there, heartbroken but at ease knowing that we have shared the most amazing 2 minutes ever lived. I would have savored the moment longer until I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned and saw a very large man glaring at me with bulged neck veins and a red face.

“DUDE! Who the HELL are you?” He screamed at me. I knew he was jealous of Tina’s love for me.

“I’m BILL! Pleased to MEET you!” I said smugly, knowing I had Tina and he had no shot in hell.

“Get the hell out of here!! This is a goddamn funeral service!” The man screamed at me again.

“OH! Then WHY was SHE drinking? Isn’t THIS a PARTY?” I said accusingly. How dare he questioned me.

“It was water you dumbass! I don’t know who you are but you just walked in a fucking funeral for my brother, Steve. Get the fuck out of here!”

He grabbed me by the back of my neck and pushed me out the door. I fell hard and then stood up and brushed myself off. I looked at Tina through the window and she was shaking her head in disbelief. I stood there and thought deep and hard. And then I had the one thought that made me decide that Tina’s love for me would not last.

I would totally never fuck a gimp.

5 Songs That Would Make You Fight Douchey People

14 09 2009

Ah, the power of music and what it does to the human brain. Songs from Pink Floyd make you want to slit your wrist, Black Eyed Peas make you want to either shake ya ass or punch a series of midgets in drag. You get the idea. Music is a powerful communication tool that makes us feel good, bad and sometimes nothing at all. . . nothing at all . . . nothing at all! Stupid Sexy FlandersStupid sexy Flanders!

Good god.

Anyway, some songs just make you, not so much angry, as it just makes you want to start punching people, repeatedly. In the face. Or the dick. One or the other. So, the following list, you may agree or disagree, are so full of aggression that you want to fight douchebags just because they are there. I will try not to put obscure hardcore bands because I’m kind of oblivious to all of that and don’t need a hardcore flame war going on. Jackasses.

And as an added bonus I break down the punchability of the elderly by the awesome “Douchey-Punch-O-Meter” it gives an accurate result as to how many douchey people you can knock around before it is out of your system.

#5 Bulls on Parade – Rage Against The Machine

Technically, I could do every single Rage song and it would fit under this list. But “Bulls” is just a straight punch to the face right off the bat. Even the infamous, “Killing in the Name” with it’s “Fuck you I won’t do whatcha tell me!!” line starts off a bit slow. “Bulls” jumps on your chest and pounds your skull into a wall. It’s one of those songs that you get angry at the government for no reason and you could the president. I can see Obama cranking this and punching Joe Wilson in the cakehole.

Douchey-Punch-O-Meter: 5 Ferrari Driving 70 year olds

#4  “Wu-Tang Clan Ain’t Nuttin ta Fuck Wit” – Wu-Tang Clan (No shit?)

The Wu are one of the best hip hop groups of all time. And their classic “Fuck wit” song is off their first album and it immediately lets the listener know that they are going to fuck shit up. And then it spreads to the listener and they feel they are an angry black guy and wind up getting their asses kicked. And then they go home crying and wondering why there dad left them all those years ago to shack up with a stripper in Las Vegas who used to have a penis and went by the name of George before changing it to “Georgina the Georgia Peach” . . . where was I?

Oh yeah. Wu-Tang Clan ain’t nuttin ta fuck wit!!!

Douchey-Punch-O-Meter: 10 guys who wear chick pants to show they have no dick

#3 “Fucking Hostile” – Pantera

This is another band who I could devote an entire article kicking a douchebag’s ass repeatedly. Maybe against a stone wall, yeah that would work wonders. This one flat out tells you from the title that it will call you a fucking ugly bitch, kick your puppy, stab you to death and play with your blood. (I officially met my weekly quota of using American Psycho quotes in daily speech, thank you, thank you!) The song is also helped by Dimebag’s monstrous guitar work and Phil’s raging vocals. The dude might have been a prick during his drug days but he could fuckin scream. He isn’t on par with Rob Halford of Judas Priest who I have recurring nightmares of me waking up to him standing over my bed and screaming in my face with his angry bald gay head. And I don’t mean gay as an insult, the dude is gay, go ask him. Or listen to early Priest records and it becomes kind of obvious. Anyway, here is the Douchey-Punch-O-Meter.
Douchey-Punch-O-Meter: 14 White kids who think they are black and one cat lady
#2  “March of the Pigs” – Nine Inch Nails

Ever wanted to just roll in mud for a while, then when that got boring just run out and kick someone in the side of the face? Yeah I never did that either, no, why would I want to do that? Don’t look at me that way!
Anyway, this song makes me want to break glass or something and maybe go outside for a little while to catch a breeze. And dress like a werewolf. While drunk. And maybe have my penis out, because what the hell? Might as well go the whole nine yards, am I right fellas? Aww yeeaaah you know it! *high five*
Douchey-Punch-O-Meter: 20 guys named either Rex, Troy or “Flex” or any name referring to working out. And maybe 5 Guidos named Anthony, pronounced “Antnee”
#1 “Raining Blood” – Slayer

SLAYYYEEERRRRRRRRRR!!!!!! Sorry, they are one of those bands that has to be said that way or the effect isn’t quite there. Anyway, this song is just flat out evil and it should come with a warning that it may just make you kill random people then blame it on the neighbor’s dog for telling you to do it. Not that I would know about that sort of thing. . . WHAT!? You didn’t see SHIT!! I’ll stab you in the cockhole!
Douchey-Punch-O-Meter: Every. Single. Long Island. Douche. Bag. In Existence.

5 Cartoons That Make Me Long for a Time Machine

11 09 2009

Ahh, children’s shows. Who doesn’t have amazing memories of cartoons from their youth? They were an escape from reality, school, parents and the inevitable masturbation habit that would soon replace these beloved cartoon icons. Now, I was born in that foul year of the God’s 1981. I remember when cartoons were made for one thing, to sell toys. They weren’t out to teach me a lesson (that is what Eureak’s Castle was for).Eureaka's Muthafuckin Castle!Batley FTW!

No, cartoons of my youth were meant to sell me toys and to show how fucking awesome it was to be an animated animal/human/humanoid/cyborg/monster. When I look back on these cartoons it is easy to see that some have not aged well, nor even synched right half the time, or even the right fucking colors. That is neither here nor there, what we are here for is to see the awesomeness of cartoons of my youth! Let’s go! C’mon, let us run like wild rabbits!

#5.     He-Man and the Masters of the Universe

He-Man, paving the way to be gayIs it sexy in here or it just me? Ho, ho!

Yeah, yeah, get the gay jokes out of the way. Other than that, He-Man was the closest thing a kid could get to watching Arnold rip shit up as Conan the Barbarian, without the boobs and heads rolling like, well, heads rolling. I pretty much likened He-Man to Conan until I was able to actually watch the flick and realize they had no similarities other than muscular builds, ass-kicking and a chick you may or may not be attracted to but feel weird if you are not attracted to her. Ah-nuldI marry who? I’m the governor of what!?

The thing is, what wasn’t there to like about He-Man? The show had awesome characters, magic, demons and Skeletor. The comedy was sub-par at best and the one liners were nowhere near Ninja Turtle caliber, but it did the job. The animation was wonky as all hell and there was definitely questionable homoeroticism (dammit, gay joke) but the show was harmless enough and made boys want to be, well, it made us want to look like wrestler HHH when we got older.

Trips“Fuck a sword, I just need a water bottle!”

Not that there is anything wrong with being a barbarian. Just there are laws against beheadings and I don’t think society smiles on people in furry hot pants and boots, at least not those with a dick.

#4     X-Men

X-MENNot the only title to employ electricity *Spoiler*

Ah, yes, this was a great show. This fueled my comic collecting in full force when I was 10 or 11. X-Men wasn’t as serious as Batman The Animated Series but it still captivated kids with Wolverine being a badass and Gambit being a smooth motherfucker, so much so that I walked around acting like him and talking in a poor Cajun-New Jersey hybrid accent. Oh, and I was fat too, double trouble.

Gambit, sizzlin the ladiesYep, that was how I saw myself, except fatter . . .

The show also showed me that spandex suits wasn’t just reserved for wrestlers, oh no, it showed me the curves of the lady folk. Sure, they were drawn and animated but at the time it was the only thing I was able to watch that had tits. I had no access to porn and this was before the internet became available to the masses. So I developed bizarre crushes on the animated ladies of X-Men. My favorite was Rogue, the sassy Southern belle that sucked out people’s energy/mutant power/life in general when she made skin contact. She was my woman at the time.

RogueYep, melted me like butter on a griddle

Christ, I need to seek help.

#3     Batman: The Animated Series

Batman, na na na na na BATMAN!Shit, that lightning is getting close! Must. Scowl. MORE!

Honestly, this show was NOT made for kids, but fuck us back then, it was quality viewing! I watched an episode not too long ago and Batman helped a guy kick his drug habit in fuckin rehab! See, it was somewhat educational for the future junkie in all of us! Anyway, this was Batman at his finest after the 1989 Batman and before Chris Nolan’s Batman Begins and Dark Knight. All of the other Batman related items really didn’t do the Dark Knight justice (ha, slight pun). Others state that Batman Beyond was decent, but seriously, nothing holds a candle to the original Fox Kids run of Batman. The show had dark tones, very dark themes and Mark (motherfuckin Luke Skywalker!) Hamill as the Joker. This was also the introduction to everyone’s favorite sociopathic sex God, Harley Quinn. Something about a chick in a jester outfit . . .

Harley!Yeaaah, she can blow me up anytime.

Batman the Animated series showed us that Batman was more than a guy in a suit that made words like “PUNT!” “BOOM!” “SHAZAM!”  flash on the screen. No disrespect to Adam West, but seriously, that sent Batman back a few years. At least kids of my era had an idea of what a tortured soul Batman really was and that he was no more human than we were; you know, except for the whole parents murdered in front of us so we take our inheritance our father left us (in our case a Coke and a smile) and go on an insane life-long vigilante mission to rid the world of evil. . .

I’m lucky if I’m able to rid myself of hemorrhoids.

#2    Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Turtles!Donatello makes the save by covering Leonardo’s dick

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, the mecca of kids screaming in their parent’s faces when they wanted a new toy. What is there not to love about 4 mutated turtles who loves them some pizza, use kung-fu on ninja robots, use hip late 80’s slang like “Radical!” and “Tubular!” and take orders from a 6-foot Japanese rat? Jesus Christ, it sounds like a bad stoner flick doesn’t it?

Fuck you because it doesn’t! It was quality programming to make us want toys that we would end up breaking or lose to playground bets. Shit man, those were tough times running a dice game racket.

Craps!I remember it like it was yesterday . . .

The show had a way of infusing futuristic technology and ancient Japanese martial arts to make an amazing mix of kick-assery. (I hear by proclaim “kick-assery” an official word, by the by.) Anyway, most people would put this at the top of their list, not me. A buddy of mine and me were discussing that the later seasons kind of lost their luster. The first few were great but they really started to jump the shark after a while. And I could be wrong but I think the animation started to get lazy too with stranger ways of drawing the turtles and not a care as to how they looked. . .

TMNTYeah. Lazy eye confuses the best of us.

. . . maybe its just me.

And drum roll please. . . .

. . .

Oh for fuck’s sake.

*drum roll*




transformersFuck! We’re stuck in a middle school kid’s math grid paper!

This was the show of my youth. Giant robots that turned to vehicles and had epic battles on Earth. You all know the backstory to this diddy of a show. What makes this show stand out for me above all the others though? One crazy fucker is what defined the show for me:

starscream“It’s on like Voltron” or “Yep, in your sister AND your mother too!”


Without Starscream the show would not have been as awesome. There, I said it. He made the show for me, from his suspiciously sounding Cobra Commander voice (Why change the voice? Whatever gets the lil bastards buying toys.) to his ridiculous attempts to overthrow Megatron to which he successfully did in the movie and . . . well, we all know what happened there, ya greedy fuck.

Transformers showed up heroism and an equal amount of being an evil bastard. It had a nice balance to it that made all the characters likable to some degree. You can’t sit there and not tell me that once in a while you rooted for Megatron to fuck up Optimus and laugh that smokers laugh of his at a twitching Optimus Prime in his last moments. Liars.

Up yo ASSDoes he look like a bitch?

Now with the movies Transformers are all the fuckin rage again. But my heart still belongs to the original show where Megatron turned to a gun and Starscream used him to blow shit up. Thinking back on it, Megatron wasn’t shit without Starscream firing him. No wonder Megatron was paranoid as fuck about Starscream taking over. I’d be too if someone used my penis to fire at giant battling robots.


Punisher arrested

31 08 2009

August 31st, 2009

Reports have indicted that a man by the name of Frank Castle was taken into custody today after a 12 hour stand off with Orlando Police at Disney World. Mr. Castle, who was a decorated police officer himself  for the NYPD was sent over the edge years ago when his family was slain after witnessing a gangland murder. He went under the name, “The Punisher” and was a very unstable vigilante who took to extreme measures to punish those who he deemed as vile.

Fast forward to today, August 31st, 2009. It was supposed to be a huge celebration for Marvel Comics and Disney. They had just merged in a 4 billion (US Dollar) deal that would give Disney distribution rights to Marvel’s characters. While the deal had stated that Disney would stay out of the affairs of Marvel’s beloved characters, reports are emerging that it was not the case. The only character Disney had a problem with was Frank Castle himself. They felt a grown man who wielded more weapons than any terrorist organization and has a kill-rate that rivals car crash statistics was not suited for the new venture of Marvel/Disney. They stated that as long as the Punisher was handled they saw no problem with any other Marvel character, even Ghost Rider.

E-mails obtained by police from Mr. Castle’s laptop show that he was literally given an ultimatum by Marvel/Disney. He had to either clean up his act, check himself into a psychiatric ward and upon completion of therapy wear bright pastel colored clothes and call himself “The Hugger” or he would simply be fired. No retirement plans and no “Death of the Punisher” issue as it would be deemed too graphic for Disney standards. He would have to find work at rival DC Comics. This e-mail sent Frank into an even more murderous rampage than he already had, if it were possible.

Mr. Castle booked himself on a flight to Orlando today and apparently, according to Continental Airlines at JFK Airport, was less than thrilled when he was told he was not able to board right then and there. He then become irritable and called an airline employee at the gate, who remains nameless, a “Goddamn beer swilling, cocaine snorting whore.” She was dealing with her own problems as she found out her son was dating Perez Hilton and was the father of his controversial love child and she had let Frank on the plane. She was promptly fired, with no pay, not even a sandwich as a goodbye gift for being an employee for 23 years.

Continental reports that Frank was actually quite pleasant on the plane and there was no alarming situations. He did have a nervous quirk about sitting by the wing and muttered something about “Charlie” and “Nam” to the passenger next to him. Upon landing he promptly made his way to Disneyland. The reports are sketchy at this point, all the Associated Press knows is that Mr. Castle made his way into Disney World and promptly opened fire on every single Disney employee. He did not harm any children nor families. No one is sure as to how he obtained a weapon’s cache and brought it inside the park but the damage is done. The death toll is around 100 employees who died via gunfire, explosions, cotton candy machine suffocations, Capt. Hook’s hand, Jack Sparrow’s sword, decapitations, piano wire, etc.

Eyewitnesses report that Frank was screaming at the top of his lungs about Disney being a bunch of “goat rapers and fistfuckers.” What Mr. Castle failed to realize that the main offices of Disney are in California. So he was pretty much doing the equivalent of Star Wars when they blew up the Death Star in Return of the Jedi. He killed only workers who had nothing to do with anything and not the head honchos themselves. Mr. Castle was apprehended when the Orlando SWAT team had to subdue him with 10 tasers when he was reloading his AK-47 for the 15th time. They tried to open fire on Frank but eyewitnesses say he slowed the bullets down and literally danced through them. An eyewitness, Todd Stevens, a self-proclaimed speed freak proclaimed, “It was like, uh, Neo in the Matrix, man. Fucking, bullet time and shit.” He was the only credible source and the only one stupid enough to be standing there at the time. The SWAT team refuses to speak about the so-called, “Bullet time incident.”

Mr. Castle is now in police custody and is apparently strapped down and being fed an IV drip of morphine, codeine and valium to control his murderous rage. A sad tale for a beloved character who despite his actions was seen as an anti-hero, but a hero nonetheless. Mr. Castle can face the death penalty by being burned alive. Many are in fear of this because the ink he gives off is toxic in origin.

A day in the life of a post-apocalyptic dog

26 08 2009

January 10th, 2057

I really wish I knew how I can remember dates like that. It is not like I can really read or anything in that nature. I guess it is an effect from the nuclear blast that killed millions of people and about 10 Mexicans. I’m not sure were it happened and when, all I know is I woke up to eat some fucking kibble and my house was a gone except for a burned image of my owner in mid-kibble pour. At first I was pissed off at him for teasing me like that. I am a dog you know, I don’t exactly have the ability to go in the cabinet and get my own damned food. Then I realized it was just his body was incinerated and his image was on the wall. I had a good howling laugh at my own stupidity but then I wondered where the fuck my food was so I ate what was left of the cat. He was mutated into some kind of two-headed thing with no legs. Sort of looked like a worm. A tasty worm.

Anyway, fast forward, how ever long the fallout has been and here I am! I made the savage journey from New Jersey and I made my way to Flo-ri-da! What. Up. I have always wanted to visit Disney World, anytime I saw the commercials my little dog tail wagged and would beat the floor like a steady drum beat as the exciting images of Mickey, Donald and company waved me into their home of awesome! I also wanted to sniff Pluto’s ass. Maybe try to hump him in a confusing moment where his nefarious aroma would confuse my little doggy senses and I’d go to town on him in a very non-gay way. Then right before I would climax I’d realize my mistake and shuffle away as if I never met him before keeping my pimp status in tact. Yeah, I like the sound of that.

So, yeah, I fucking get to Disney World and the shit is gone as well! All that is left is half of the castle, a few tea cup rides and not much else. And Mickey and the others are smoldering piles of ash and fur! Fuckers. So I pissed on Donald and shit on Minnie. How dare they go and die without me seeing them in their glory? Florida is decent though, I never saw why people bitched about the heat so much, there really isn’t any heat at all! It is kind of chilly and I think I saw a polar bear, or maybe it was fuzz on my eyeball. That shit sticks to my eye like a molasses. The owner would try to get it out of my eye but he would just hurt me. He meant well I think. He had a weird thing with me and peanut butter, I didn’t understand it myself but hey, food is food.

I pretty much have been trying to find someone to take care of me. I have been doing fine on my own but I need the occasional belly rub here and there. I have found a few people but they were too busy trying to find food themselves and sort of turned violent and almost acted like how I act when someone touches my food bowl. I don’t understand why they can’t sniff a crotch or two, lick their nuts and call it a night. Thats what I do, hell, I’m licking between my legs right now. I’m talented that way.