Don’t look for anything humorous here

29 12 2010

You’re not gonna find it in this one. Not that this will be a dour post, oh no. Just not the sort of comical hilarity I am known to type out.

Okay, done blowing myself there.


Anyway, enough of that. The Christmas season is over, people are somewhat happy, absurd amounts of snow is fucking up the daily routine of life and I am in some debt. I hate the holidays. Not so much the money issue. Money comes and goes. No need to become a fiend about it. I just hate the holidays in general. All that happens is unneeded stress and aggravation. Usually the end result is decent but for the most part, the events leading up to it is a hideous bitch goddess named Maria. Just constant jerk arounds that try to throw things off course. Like money issues and such.

Even as a kid I wasn’t a terribly huge fan of the holidays. I guess I’m a weird lil fucker. Ā Even my birthday I’m not a fan of to be honest. I’m also one of the worst people to buy gifts for. Not so much that I’m ungrateful or anything, I just never garner the reaction people would expect. I have a very laid back attitude towards it. Like, “Oh I got a car? Thanks man.” I don’t do the, “ZOMG! WTF? BBQ! BBW! NWO! LULZ!” reaction. Just not in my nature, I reckon. Not entirely sure why, but it just was never my thing. Last time I was seen to have been bouncing off the walls excited was when I got a Sega CD for Christmas.


There really is no point to this post. I just felt like I neglected it like some kind of baby momma situation out of Maury. But I willingly know I am the daddy of this baby. And I been neglecting it for far too long.


I’m alive!

12 11 2010

I’m alive! Sort of. I’m breathing? Anyway, will be working on new updates soon.

Mario Paint

22 04 2010

Hey folks, I had an article published on about Mario Paint! Check it out and create a username to score it! Leave some love too, those are always nice to read.

I know, senseless shilling but I have to get myself out there somehow, right?

The D-Files (Douchebag)

9 04 2010

Sweet Jesus. The days are getting longer, the sun is shining a bit more brightly, birds are chirping their collective asses off. So you know what that means don’t you, kids? That’s right! The douchebags are coming! They’re already starting to infect the local beaches already from war front reports already. Thankfully, the weather won’t be too warm this weekend so that will keep those fuckers at bay for a little while. It just seems the seasons start way too early. We just get done cleaning up after those fucktwits and they come to rape the sands with their fist pumps and steroid shrunk penises. Some would akin this to pure gonzo rape and I would have to agree! I can sit here and blame the show “Jersey Shore” for the influx of douchebags. I won’t go there, that is too easy and c’mon, do we really need more shit about Snooki being cold cocked in the face? (click the picture if it doesn’t move)

Actually, even though it IS a girl, there is something sickly rewarding about this.

Chances are if you have stumbled upon this, you are fully aware of what a douchebag is. To the uninformed or those who have heard of this term and feel it is a feminine product, brother, you are dead wrong.

This ain't yo momma's douchebag anymore

NO! This is not what we are talking about here! Whoa no! Dear children gather around and see what abominations that have spewed forth on the once respectable seaside towns of New Jersey! Behold the douchebag that infects the world with their asshole ways and STD-laden fingers!

Ugh, look at them! God hates douchebags.

Now, I have studied these fiends for quite some time. In face I have personally dealt with them on a personal basis from working at a local bar. Here are the stats:

Name: Douchebag(s), Long Island Douchebag, North Jersey Douchebag, Guido, Fuckin guido, Bag of Douche, Douchearus Bagarus

Species: At one time human, now simply a bag. Of douche.

Height: They average around 5’3 to 5’10. The Italian gene has not been kind to them.

Lifespan: We have yet seen one live past 30 since this is a new species.

Origin: Northern New Jersey and parts of New York City. The biggest migration of this species hails from Long Island. Or as their bizarre speech (more on that later) dicates, “Long Giland”

Environment: The douchebag is at home at any place that plays loud, bass-thumping dance music. It can just be a fat man going “untz untz untz untz” into a microphone placed in his mouth. If it can be made into a dance song, it will be played and they WILL dance to it! Poorly I might add.


Physical Features: Fake skin that is tanned to the finest of assless chaps brown color, hair spiked like Sonic the Hedgehog after an orgy with Got 2 Be Hair Glue or Elmer’s if on a tight budget.

If Sonic was a douchebag

Muscular body that is usually aided by the way of steroids. A douchebag can not bother with spending time in the gym when he can be ripping the clubs up. If one sees a douchebag at the gym, they are there to try to impress someone. DO NOT BE FOOLED!

Seriously, WHAT. THE. FUCK!?

They also have the bizarre tendency to have lips in a permanent “kiss face” like a kissing fish or Derek Zoolander. They feel the need to do the “Magnum” or “Blue Steel” in every picture ever taken of them in their environment. This may either be a courting type of behavior or to ward off enemies, we are not sure as we are laughing too hard at them.

Dear God Ben Stiller, what have you done!??

They also wear clothes by a clothing line called Ed Hardy. If you are seen looking at a shirt that says, Ed Hardy, you will be shot on sight by our crack team of Douchebagologists. DO NOT even LOOK at an Ed Hardy shirt. It is to note that these shirts are worn at the the smallest size possible to fit their frames, I guess it is to make their muscles stand out? They also accommodate this with tight jeans that show the ill-effects of steroid use and the male penis. They also tend to wear obnoxious jewelry like silver/gold chains and other “accessories.”

Personality Traits: Loud, obnoxious, egotistical-like behavior that borders on the megalomaniacal. They always seem to have a smirky grin from an over-inflated ego when they are having a “good time.” Since the steroids are so infused in their blood they can snap at any given moment. Most of the time it is their cosmopolitan drinks in a plastic cup spill on their shimmery new Ed Hardy shirt (with a gold sequined tiger marauding a fish or some shit) that drive them over the top. Or if someone accidentally bumps into them while they are, “fish-pumping like a champion” on the dance floor. It is best to turn and move in the other direction when one sees a douchebag as their behavior and general aura is one that will suck a victim into the endless void of stupidity. Their dialect is a peculiar item as they interject syllables into words that make them sound entirely like new words! For example, you say “bathroom” they say “batchroom” What is a “batchroom?” I guess it is where cookies are made? We are still deciphering their bizarre language.

Yeaaaah, now dat's a batchroom youse guyz!

It is interesting to note that while dancing they do a strange type of . . . mating call? It is a bizarre arm flex called, “fist pumping.”

The man on the right may be his dad

Now apparently, this is a joyous gesture if they like a song. It is pretty much the white man equivalent of break dancing. The douchebag cares about their looks than most women do their entire lives. So they do not want to mess their hair up too much because, then what reason do they have to live? So the fist pump is as close to dancing as they get.

Now, what sort of person would be attracted to this kind of beast? Why, it is quite simple! The douchette!

May or may not have been a man at one point

Notice she exhibits the same, “Blue Steel” look anytime a camera flashes. And her skin looks as if it is the color of the finest mahogany furniture in Ron Burgundy’s apartment. You can pretty much apply the same traits to the Douchette, except that her breasts are made entirely out of plastic and chances are she will experience silicon leaking while dancing or even trying her hand at fist pumping.

Now that we have a more in-depth look at these fucking jokers, we know our mission. Your training is for this purpose. Polish the sniper rifles my loves, for we are hunting guidos this summer.

We shall avenge you, Sniper Cat

Past favorite songs that still make me giddy

5 04 2010

So I been on a kick of listening to songs that I loved as a young lad, a whopping 15 years ago or so. It’s amazing how much my musical taste has changed in some aspects and none at all in others! So, without any real proper introduction, here are a few of my favorite songs when I was a confused teenager. As usual, in no real order.

Not if You Were the Last Junkie on Earth- The Dandy Warhols

I was instantly won over with this song. Not sure why, may have been the ridiculous visuals of dancing hyperdarmic needles or Zia McCabe’s boobs bouncing about or the repetitively catchy chorus. Or maybe it was a combination of all three? Either way, I was won over and loved the song. It was during that strange and wonderous time when MTV actually played videos and mixed it up with some shows. Kids nowadays don’t know what that was like, to actually have MTV play videos and not shows that, like, talk about, real life and stuff. Y’know, high school is real tough and my dad didn’t give me the keys to the Porsche so I’m all mad at him. . . .

. . . where was I. . . where AM I. . . ?

Who Was In My Room Last Night? – Butthole Surfers

Yeah, I was a cool kid and loved the Butthole Surfers. Anyway, I forgot how ridiclously pointless early-mid 90’s alternative rock videos were. Don’t get me wrong, I loved the whole vibe going on in the video, but what the fuck was going on here? Seriously? And this was in the heyday when Flea sporadically showed up in videos for no reason. I’m sure it went like this:

Video Director: Alright let’s get this shit on the road. I have ten pounds of blow and an hooker in my trailer I need to get rid of.

(Flea stumbles in)

Flea: Ey! Can I be in the video too!?

V.D.(like what I did there?): What the fu-? Aw goddammit it’s Flea! Ugh. Fuckin, what do you want?

Flea: Like I said, I wanna be in the video!!! *hops up and down, probably naked with his dick flapping in the breeze*

V.D.: Jesus Christ, fine! Just get some pants on and stop flapping that shit in my face!


I think that’s how even Red Hot Chili Pepper video shoots went . . .

Ugh, you can almost smell the ball stank . . .

California Love – 2Pac & Dr. Dre

Yeah I had a wide mix. Anyway, I used to have a real weird OCD when I was in middle school and had to watch a certain channel at a certain time before school started or my day would suck. LLet me rephrase that, my day would suck even more. Anyway, at first I didn’t dig this one too much but after hearing it like . . . 20 million times, it was bound to grow on me. Then it got to the point where I would sit up and do the 2Pac dance to the “shake, shake it baby” part. It comes in around the 3:15 mark. Imagine it, a fat lil bastard kid with a fuzzy head trying to do a black guy dance at 6 in the morning. Yeah, it’s as hilarious as it sounds.

Not me, but you get a good idea as to what I was looking like.

Triumph- Wu-Tang Clan

The Wu. I was fuckin. Blown. Away. This was my first real exposure to the Wu other than hearing it from other kids at school when Return to the 36 Chambers came out. Then Wu-Tang Forever came out and they dropped THIS on the world. While the video is kinda fuckin hokey looking back at it, the lyrics each member spit was classic. I was just flabbergasted at how amazing hip hop could be at this point. I really have nothing witty to say to be honest. This was a life-altering moment for me, plain and simple.

Goodnight sweet prince. Shimmy shimmy ya!

Scenario – A Tribe Called Quest

Just like the Wu, A Tribe Called Quest were another group that opened my eyes to the greatness of hip-hop. Especially since this was not a song that rapped about violence, it was just good lyrics and a guest spot by a young Busta Rhymes. He killed it on this track. It’s a shame he isn’t the rapper he used to be. Maybe he needs to bring back his “Wooha! Got y’all in check” look back.

Ehhh . . . maybe not so much.

Say You’ll Be There – Spice Girls

Ok so apparently I can’t embed the original vid. So enjoy this half-assed live version. Meh

Shut. The. Fuck. Up. Not one of you bastards out there can’t tell me not a single one of you remotely liked any of there songs! And if you do, you’re a fucking liar!

*clears throat*

So, anyway. When I saw these 5 sassy British tarts in this video you could literally see the Heavens open up, the angels singing, a bright white light beaming down into my very soul as these poor singers won me over with their eccentric personalities, tight clothes and big fuck off shoes.

Mm! You can step on my cubes any day of the week.

Anyway, I had a secret-not-so-secret obsession with them that made many, if not everyone question my sexuality. Happy to say I am still straight after all these years! So what if I probably would have cried if I saw them in person a long with every other teenybopper in attendence? Doesn’t make me any less of a man!

Yeah, that is pretty much what I'd look like as well.

One day I’ll delve into my deep and dark obsession with all things Spice. But not right now! I don’t want to waste any comedy fodder. Anyway, so yeah. This was my happy song for a while and fuck you sideways if you hate it.

Honorable Mention!!!!

No Diggity- Blackstreet

Yeah, who the fuck did NOT love this song? I guarantee you that you play this at a party with a group of mid to late 20-somethings they will flip the fuck out. Now if they flip out because they love the song or are traumatized still by the creepy fuckin black puppets in the video is still up for debate.

Don't let it fool you, it's pure fuckin nightmare fuel!!

Jesus Christ I think I shit myself.

Crackpot idea and buy my products!

2 04 2010

So, I had a peculiar idea, my town is fairly small but stupidly populated. It’s like a halfway house for Mexican immigrants. Anyway, the kids nowadays really have no real hangouts to go to in the town other than the boardwalk and that is only good for the summer months. Even when I was a teenager we had a coffee house and a bowling alley. Both of these places are gone and replaced with more stores. I really want to try to set up something like a fundraiser to buy a storefront that has a few arcade machines, places to sit and just a general hangout spot. Problem is, I have no real money so like I stated, I think a few fundraisers should be in order to bring this to the fold.

The kids here are slowly turning into delinquents because of the older people bitching about too much noise where kids hang out. This leads to problems because then the kids get bored and restless and turn to drugs, drinking and general small disorganized mayhem. And then the citizens bitch even MORE about it. It’s a lose-lose situation for the kids in the town. I want to change all that. For starters, buy some shit at my Zazzle store. I am adding more random products as the days go on. But anything that can help to go to this idea will be awesome. I make a cut of what Zazzle sells the products for and it will all go to my crack pot idea. Even if you buy a 3 dollar keychain, it would be awesome.

It’s not much right now but the color scheme of the store sure is purty.

Check it out and buy something. Do it for the kids! Like Ol’ Dirty said, “Wu-Tang is for the children!”

Long time coming

1 04 2010

Holy shit, it’s been a while eh? Ye gods, it’s been almost 5 months or so! Ridiculous! Anyway, enough of that now.

Just throwing a quickie that I am not dead yet! Major update soon to follow today! Maybe