Long time coming

1 04 2010

Holy shit, it’s been a while eh? Ye gods, it’s been almost 5 months or so! Ridiculous! Anyway, enough of that now.

Just throwing a quickie that I am not dead yet! Major update soon to follow today! Maybe


Erotic Fiction: The Party

28 11 2009

I tend to find myself to be the romantic type. So I decided to delve into the strange world of erotic fiction. Enjoy!

I walked into my friend’s party. It was a nice sized affair, I’d say about 20 people were mingling about. I had been alone for a while so I was looking around for a pretty young lady to talk to. It was a lame party and everyone looked sad. It was probably because there was no music playing. Music always gets a party going.

I scanned the room and decided I was going to only stay a little while until I saw her! She was gorgeous in every sense of the word. She had long black hair, pale skin, tall but average sized body (I’m not one for ultra-skinny girls), prosthetic left leg, crystal blue eyes, one finger too many on her right hand and an award winning smile with all her teeth!

My eyes caught her one eye, the other was looking the other way and I sauntered on over. I introduced myself meekly.

“Oh, HI THERE! My name is BILL!” I whispered and screamed. I have a hard time controlling the sound of my voice.

“Uhm, hi my name is Tina.” She said half afraid and was clutching her purse.

“IT’S okay. I can’t HELP the way I TALK! So WHAT brings you HERE tonight?”

“Ah, I came with my friend Donna, she knows Steve. Uhm, if you don’t mind I need to go to the bathroom. I have to adjust my leg.” I could sense the shiver of passion in her voice. She then looked at me deep into my eyes and crinkled her nose in such a cute way I was overjoyed at the cuteness of her face.

“Why do I smell shit or no wait, bad body odor? Maybe it is shit . . . ?” Tina said slightly gagging.

“Oh, THAT would be ME! I ran out of TOILET paper the other DAY! I can’t AFFORD to buy ANYmore until TUESDAY!” I blurted and tried not to embarrasses myself in front of this goddess.

“Wow, that is truly disgusting. Don’t you shower at all? Oh fuck, I’m going to be ill.” She said between dry heaves.

“NO I don’t SHOWER before a GATHERING! I read my NATURAL body odor IS attractive to WOMEN. Like what ANIMALS give OFF when they ARE in heat.”

Tina looked at me, mouth agape and her left eye trying to look at me while the other looked dead ahead into my very soul.

“You are fucking insane. Please leave me alone now.” Tina said with such regret in her voice I wanted to take her in my arms right then and there.

“I AM really a NICE guy. I LIVE with MY mom and SHE said I’M the coolest GUY in town.” I said slightly boastfully but modest. Mother always dotes on me in front of her bridge club.

“No, really, Bill, Jim, whatever the fuck your name is, please leave me alone. Actually, if you could leave, that would be great. You’re starting to offend the guests now.” My angel from heaven said.

“Can we GO out SOMEtime? I have an AWESOME petri DISH collection of SPORES!” I said knowing I had totally won her over.

“No. Fuck. Off.” Tina said tearfully. I know it was hard for her but she knew we could never be together no matter how much our loins longed for each other. She was either crying or my natural odor was so powerful to her that she couldn’t bear not having me right then and there. She had promptly thrown a glass of vodka in my face. I knew she couldn’t stand knowing that my scent would attract another, so she was masking it.

She limped away and fell down, her fake leg gave out and she was pulled away by her friend. I stood there, dripping with my love’s drink all over me. I stood there, heartbroken but at ease knowing that we have shared the most amazing 2 minutes ever lived. I would have savored the moment longer until I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned and saw a very large man glaring at me with bulged neck veins and a red face.

“DUDE! Who the HELL are you?” He screamed at me. I knew he was jealous of Tina’s love for me.

“I’m BILL! Pleased to MEET you!” I said smugly, knowing I had Tina and he had no shot in hell.

“Get the hell out of here!! This is a goddamn funeral service!” The man screamed at me again.

“OH! Then WHY was SHE drinking? Isn’t THIS a PARTY?” I said accusingly. How dare he questioned me.

“It was water you dumbass! I don’t know who you are but you just walked in a fucking funeral for my brother, Steve. Get the fuck out of here!”

He grabbed me by the back of my neck and pushed me out the door. I fell hard and then stood up and brushed myself off. I looked at Tina through the window and she was shaking her head in disbelief. I stood there and thought deep and hard. And then I had the one thought that made me decide that Tina’s love for me would not last.

I would totally never fuck a gimp.

Who Punched the Duck?

19 11 2009

This is an experiment. I attempted to write a story without thinking of any general plot device and such. I just wrote as it came to me only to stop for misspelled words and such. Enjoy.

“Who punched the duck?” she asked while sipping on a diet soda. She was quite large and believed that diet soda would balance out all the carbs and fat that were straining themselves through her system.

“Hell if I know! I was in the other room at the time!” said her brother who was a thin lad with dark eyes that seemed as dead as a lizards.

“Someone punched the duck and it’s really starting to piss me off!” she said between heavy breaths. (I told you she was large.)

Someone indeed punched the duck. It was her duck, her name was Sammy and her duck’s name was Mr. Tobias. A strange name but she felt it was creative. Her brother’s name was Jim and he didn’t care for Sammy or her duck all that much. She kept it under her arm at all times and the duck was content under her mounds of flesh. It would let out little quacks as it’s head bobbed with each one. The duck was fine from the punch but it still made Sammy mad to no end. She still accused Jim of punching the duck because she knew how much she despised Mr. Tobias.

“I keep telling you, I did not punch that damn duck!” Jim said with his eyes still dead as charred wood but you could see his veins bulge a bit in his scrawny neck. He never hated the duck from the beginning. In fact, he felt it was cute and the way Mr. Tobias walked made him chuckle. Then Sammy became overly possessive of Mr. Tobias and would tell Jim to go scratch anytime he went to pet him or even talk to him. The original plan for Mr. Tobias was for Sammy to eat him. She wasn’t a cruel person, she just wanted to see if she could raise a animal and eat it like they do on farms. She thinks she saw it on t.v. once, but it could have been a dream.

The final straw for Jim came when Mr. Tobias chased Jim around the yard and it bit him on the Achilles’ heel. It hurt like hell and left a mark. Jim felt angry towards the duck after the incident even though he really knew that being coddled by Sammy all the time made Mr. Tobias sort of territorial. All Jim did was try to give Mr. Tobias a cracker when Sammy was sleeping on her hammock in the backyard. No one dared go near Sammy when she napped on her hammock. After she gorged herself on Susie-Q’ and Ding Dongs, she would suffer a sugar crash and sleep the afternoon away. And if anyone as much muttered a word outside, there would be hell to pay. Mr. Tobias would keep watch like some sort of feathered watch dog. He would charge after anyone flapping his wings and quacking away until the intruder left them alone. It was a beautiful relationship between woman and fowl.

“I’m not going to leave your room until you admit you punched the duck!” she started to get loud and this made Jim nervous. Anytime she felt he did her wrong she would plop, literally, herself down on his floor and wait until he admitted fault. And Jim could not have done anything at all, he just wanted her out of his room.

And so she sat and stared at him with her big brown eyes that just grated on his nerves. All the while she was munching on chips and noisily drinking her diet soda. The sound of someone else eating made Jim’s skin crawl and Sammy knew it would instantly make him confess to punching Mr. Tobias.

“Sammy, I swear I did not punch the duck! I was in the other room washing a dish, just one dish, when I heard you wailing and flailing about Mr. Tobias being dead.” Jim stated tiredly.

The incident was one of the ages, as they like to say. Jim was indeed washing a dish, just one and he heard Sammy shrilling at the top of her lungs. She stormed into the kitchen wailing and flailing about with her flabby arms flapping in the wind like wings that were never meant to fly. She started to pound on his back with her hambone sized fist on his Xylophone-like ribs. He waved his arms at her like he was shooing the world’s largest fly. She stopped briefly to only charge at him again.

“Whoa! What the hell is wrong with you!?” Jim yelled before she tackled him into the wall.

“You killed Mr. Tobias! You punched him!” Sammy screamed like a banshee on speed.

“I did NOT punch that damn duck! I was here washing this dish!” Jim said and held up the soaking wet dish.

And it had been going back and forth since then. They had been at it for close to two hours with her following him through the house  yelling at him between bites of food.

“Sammy, please get up and leave now!” Jim said through gritted teeth.

“NO! Not until you tell me that you punched my duck!” Sammy yelled.

“Look, the bastard isn’t dead. He was knocked out cold, he is fine, look outside yourself!” he waved his arm at the window.

“I know he is fine! I just want you to admit your crime against nature!” Sammy sharply said.

“Cri-crime against nature? Have you gone mad? I did not punch the stupid duck! How many times do I have to tell you this before it gets through your flabby head?” Jim yelled and then quickly regretted that “flabby head” comment.

Sammy shot up as fast as she could and charged at Jim like she had before. Jim side-stepped to the side and she charged right into the wall. She bounced off the wall and landed on her back like a turtle and just laid there.

“Sammy, you okay? Will you knock this off now?” Jim said somewhat sympathetically

“Fine. Okay, you didn’t punch Mr. Tobias. Can you help me up?” Sammy said

Jim helped her up as best he could and she looked at him with annoyance in her eyes.

“Well, who punched the duck?” Sammy said

“I don’t know. Didn’t you take him out on your daily walk? How the hell could I have punched him if he was with you?” Jim said. In the back of his head he was flabbergasted that she actually took walks everyday and still didn’t lose any weight.

“Ugh, fine. Okay, I admit it. I know you didn’t punch the duck. I was just angry after the walk and I punched Mr. Tobias because he nipped me and I got mad.” Sammy said with much guilt.

“Whoa! YOU punched the duck and tried the peg it on me? What is wrong with you!?” Jim said, his face was flushed.

“Ugh, Jim. I’m fat, you know it, I know it, everyone knows it. I have no self-esteem and I was taking it out on you and the duck because I couldn’t defend myself from this jerk that saw me walk with the duck.” Sammy said with tears in her eyes.

“What happened then? What would make you that mad that you punched your duck?” Jim said half-heartedly.

“Well, this is hard Jim. I was walking with Mr. Tobias under my arm, like I do. And that dirty old bastard Steve Fields was walking his mangy mutt. He looked at me and waved. So, I waved back to him and just kept walking. He then yells out, “Hey! Where’d ya get that pig?” I snapped back, “It’s not a pig, it’s a duck!” and you know what that mean old bastard said to me? He said, “I was talking to the duck.”

DJ Hero, please come soon. . .

27 10 2009



Yeah, it’s been a while. Too much to do and unaware of life.

Anyway, I had DJ Hero pre-ordered for my birthday (Oct.12th to be exact) and it came out today! BUT WAIT! I don’t have my copy yet! See, it wasn’t shipped out until today, the release date. You would think they would get a jump on it and ship it out to the folks that pre-ordered so it is here that day? I mean, all the cool kids are just going to the store and buying it and by the time I get to it, it will be old hat. Bastards.

Now, I AM stoked about playing this game. Totally stoked. It sold me on Jay-Z being involved and I nearly imploded when I found out Daft Punk were playable characters in the game itself!


Daft Punk! Oowa! Oowa!

If I had that scrolly helmet, mine would say, "Onions = Herpes of Fast Food Burgers"


I am literally going mad waiting for this game to be shipped into my, “Dear God I will be 30 years old in two years and still get giddy about video games” hands. I will watch game clip videos, YES, I degraded myself to watch gameplay videos and I will tap and scratch along on the desk to the screen. HOW PATHETIC AM I?



Apparently I am "fucking pathetic," what does THAT pussy know?

So I will sit there and be DJ Razor Blade Dream all to my lonesome and my imaginary turntable. *sigh* I’ve always wanted a real turntable but they are expensive apparently and I don’t know the first thing about finding a good one or even a good used one. And even if I did know what to get, I wouldn’t know what else I would need other than a shitload of vinyl. If anyone could inform me as to what turntable brand and model is the God of scratchin’ then let me know.

So the game was shipped today and I have to wait 5-10 business days. What the fuck kind of window is that? Seriously. 5-10? I can see 10 days if it is coming from China, like my Mac. Even that came at a relatively decent rate. I can drive to the place that shipped it and back sooner than 10 days. And bear in mind, this is BUSINESS days. So only Monday thru Friday. My buddy is a mailman but USPS are a bunch of grape jam fuckers.



And here's your Fingerhut catalog and ya got a grape jam jar I could fuck?

So, your lonely hero (fuck you if I’m not) sits here waiting impatiently for his DJ Hero Renegade Edition for the X-Box 360. Know what the Renegade Edition is? For one, the knobs and crossfader controls are made out of metal, gold plated that is. That is the Texas Tea of flea market jewelry folks. Gold. Plated. And the color scheme is a sexy ass black with bits of gold here and there. They are my school colors to boot. So, double trouble there. It also includes a 2-disc Jay-Z and Eminem cd. I have most of the songs anyway, but it’s a nice touch. It also comes with a carrying case that turns to a stand so I don’t have to use my lap or a random table. I just wanted the sexy ass turntable. Mmm, black and gold turntable how I love thee. . .



Mmm . . . gold plated sexiness. And the case has purty legs.

So, to the mail Gods or whoever is in charge of the USPS in Eastbumblefuck, Ohio . . . please make sure my game comes to me in one piece and in a timely manner. It’s pathetic to see me “air scratch” and people think I’m masturbating when I work the “air crossfader.” Please, if not for me, do it for the children. Thank you, jam fucker.





5 Songs That Would Make You Fight Douchey People

14 09 2009

Ah, the power of music and what it does to the human brain. Songs from Pink Floyd make you want to slit your wrist, Black Eyed Peas make you want to either shake ya ass or punch a series of midgets in drag. You get the idea. Music is a powerful communication tool that makes us feel good, bad and sometimes nothing at all. . . nothing at all . . . nothing at all! Stupid Sexy FlandersStupid sexy Flanders!

Good god.

Anyway, some songs just make you, not so much angry, as it just makes you want to start punching people, repeatedly. In the face. Or the dick. One or the other. So, the following list, you may agree or disagree, are so full of aggression that you want to fight douchebags just because they are there. I will try not to put obscure hardcore bands because I’m kind of oblivious to all of that and don’t need a hardcore flame war going on. Jackasses.

And as an added bonus I break down the punchability of the elderly by the awesome “Douchey-Punch-O-Meter” it gives an accurate result as to how many douchey people you can knock around before it is out of your system.

#5 Bulls on Parade – Rage Against The Machine

Technically, I could do every single Rage song and it would fit under this list. But “Bulls” is just a straight punch to the face right off the bat. Even the infamous, “Killing in the Name” with it’s “Fuck you I won’t do whatcha tell me!!” line starts off a bit slow. “Bulls” jumps on your chest and pounds your skull into a wall. It’s one of those songs that you get angry at the government for no reason and you could the president. I can see Obama cranking this and punching Joe Wilson in the cakehole.

Douchey-Punch-O-Meter: 5 Ferrari Driving 70 year olds

#4  “Wu-Tang Clan Ain’t Nuttin ta Fuck Wit” – Wu-Tang Clan (No shit?)

The Wu are one of the best hip hop groups of all time. And their classic “Fuck wit” song is off their first album and it immediately lets the listener know that they are going to fuck shit up. And then it spreads to the listener and they feel they are an angry black guy and wind up getting their asses kicked. And then they go home crying and wondering why there dad left them all those years ago to shack up with a stripper in Las Vegas who used to have a penis and went by the name of George before changing it to “Georgina the Georgia Peach” . . . where was I?

Oh yeah. Wu-Tang Clan ain’t nuttin ta fuck wit!!!

Douchey-Punch-O-Meter: 10 guys who wear chick pants to show they have no dick

#3 “Fucking Hostile” – Pantera

This is another band who I could devote an entire article kicking a douchebag’s ass repeatedly. Maybe against a stone wall, yeah that would work wonders. This one flat out tells you from the title that it will call you a fucking ugly bitch, kick your puppy, stab you to death and play with your blood. (I officially met my weekly quota of using American Psycho quotes in daily speech, thank you, thank you!) The song is also helped by Dimebag’s monstrous guitar work and Phil’s raging vocals. The dude might have been a prick during his drug days but he could fuckin scream. He isn’t on par with Rob Halford of Judas Priest who I have recurring nightmares of me waking up to him standing over my bed and screaming in my face with his angry bald gay head. And I don’t mean gay as an insult, the dude is gay, go ask him. Or listen to early Priest records and it becomes kind of obvious. Anyway, here is the Douchey-Punch-O-Meter.
Douchey-Punch-O-Meter: 14 White kids who think they are black and one cat lady
#2  “March of the Pigs” – Nine Inch Nails

Ever wanted to just roll in mud for a while, then when that got boring just run out and kick someone in the side of the face? Yeah I never did that either, no, why would I want to do that? Don’t look at me that way!
Anyway, this song makes me want to break glass or something and maybe go outside for a little while to catch a breeze. And dress like a werewolf. While drunk. And maybe have my penis out, because what the hell? Might as well go the whole nine yards, am I right fellas? Aww yeeaaah you know it! *high five*
Douchey-Punch-O-Meter: 20 guys named either Rex, Troy or “Flex” or any name referring to working out. And maybe 5 Guidos named Anthony, pronounced “Antnee”
#1 “Raining Blood” – Slayer

SLAYYYEEERRRRRRRRRR!!!!!! Sorry, they are one of those bands that has to be said that way or the effect isn’t quite there. Anyway, this song is just flat out evil and it should come with a warning that it may just make you kill random people then blame it on the neighbor’s dog for telling you to do it. Not that I would know about that sort of thing. . . WHAT!? You didn’t see SHIT!! I’ll stab you in the cockhole!
Douchey-Punch-O-Meter: Every. Single. Long Island. Douche. Bag. In Existence.

5 Cartoons That Make Me Long for a Time Machine

11 09 2009

Ahh, children’s shows. Who doesn’t have amazing memories of cartoons from their youth? They were an escape from reality, school, parents and the inevitable masturbation habit that would soon replace these beloved cartoon icons. Now, I was born in that foul year of the God’s 1981. I remember when cartoons were made for one thing, to sell toys. They weren’t out to teach me a lesson (that is what Eureak’s Castle was for).Eureaka's Muthafuckin Castle!Batley FTW!

No, cartoons of my youth were meant to sell me toys and to show how fucking awesome it was to be an animated animal/human/humanoid/cyborg/monster. When I look back on these cartoons it is easy to see that some have not aged well, nor even synched right half the time, or even the right fucking colors. That is neither here nor there, what we are here for is to see the awesomeness of cartoons of my youth! Let’s go! C’mon, let us run like wild rabbits!

#5.     He-Man and the Masters of the Universe

He-Man, paving the way to be gayIs it sexy in here or it just me? Ho, ho!

Yeah, yeah, get the gay jokes out of the way. Other than that, He-Man was the closest thing a kid could get to watching Arnold rip shit up as Conan the Barbarian, without the boobs and heads rolling like, well, heads rolling. I pretty much likened He-Man to Conan until I was able to actually watch the flick and realize they had no similarities other than muscular builds, ass-kicking and a chick you may or may not be attracted to but feel weird if you are not attracted to her. Ah-nuldI marry who? I’m the governor of what!?

The thing is, what wasn’t there to like about He-Man? The show had awesome characters, magic, demons and Skeletor. The comedy was sub-par at best and the one liners were nowhere near Ninja Turtle caliber, but it did the job. The animation was wonky as all hell and there was definitely questionable homoeroticism (dammit, gay joke) but the show was harmless enough and made boys want to be, well, it made us want to look like wrestler HHH when we got older.

Trips“Fuck a sword, I just need a water bottle!”

Not that there is anything wrong with being a barbarian. Just there are laws against beheadings and I don’t think society smiles on people in furry hot pants and boots, at least not those with a dick.

#4     X-Men

X-MENNot the only title to employ electricity *Spoiler*

Ah, yes, this was a great show. This fueled my comic collecting in full force when I was 10 or 11. X-Men wasn’t as serious as Batman The Animated Series but it still captivated kids with Wolverine being a badass and Gambit being a smooth motherfucker, so much so that I walked around acting like him and talking in a poor Cajun-New Jersey hybrid accent. Oh, and I was fat too, double trouble.

Gambit, sizzlin the ladiesYep, that was how I saw myself, except fatter . . .

The show also showed me that spandex suits wasn’t just reserved for wrestlers, oh no, it showed me the curves of the lady folk. Sure, they were drawn and animated but at the time it was the only thing I was able to watch that had tits. I had no access to porn and this was before the internet became available to the masses. So I developed bizarre crushes on the animated ladies of X-Men. My favorite was Rogue, the sassy Southern belle that sucked out people’s energy/mutant power/life in general when she made skin contact. She was my woman at the time.

RogueYep, melted me like butter on a griddle

Christ, I need to seek help.

#3     Batman: The Animated Series

Batman, na na na na na BATMAN!Shit, that lightning is getting close! Must. Scowl. MORE!

Honestly, this show was NOT made for kids, but fuck us back then, it was quality viewing! I watched an episode not too long ago and Batman helped a guy kick his drug habit in fuckin rehab! See, it was somewhat educational for the future junkie in all of us! Anyway, this was Batman at his finest after the 1989 Batman and before Chris Nolan’s Batman Begins and Dark Knight. All of the other Batman related items really didn’t do the Dark Knight justice (ha, slight pun). Others state that Batman Beyond was decent, but seriously, nothing holds a candle to the original Fox Kids run of Batman. The show had dark tones, very dark themes and Mark (motherfuckin Luke Skywalker!) Hamill as the Joker. This was also the introduction to everyone’s favorite sociopathic sex God, Harley Quinn. Something about a chick in a jester outfit . . .

Harley!Yeaaah, she can blow me up anytime.

Batman the Animated series showed us that Batman was more than a guy in a suit that made words like “PUNT!” “BOOM!” “SHAZAM!”  flash on the screen. No disrespect to Adam West, but seriously, that sent Batman back a few years. At least kids of my era had an idea of what a tortured soul Batman really was and that he was no more human than we were; you know, except for the whole parents murdered in front of us so we take our inheritance our father left us (in our case a Coke and a smile) and go on an insane life-long vigilante mission to rid the world of evil. . .

I’m lucky if I’m able to rid myself of hemorrhoids.

#2    Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Turtles!Donatello makes the save by covering Leonardo’s dick

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, the mecca of kids screaming in their parent’s faces when they wanted a new toy. What is there not to love about 4 mutated turtles who loves them some pizza, use kung-fu on ninja robots, use hip late 80’s slang like “Radical!” and “Tubular!” and take orders from a 6-foot Japanese rat? Jesus Christ, it sounds like a bad stoner flick doesn’t it?

Fuck you because it doesn’t! It was quality programming to make us want toys that we would end up breaking or lose to playground bets. Shit man, those were tough times running a dice game racket.

Craps!I remember it like it was yesterday . . .

The show had a way of infusing futuristic technology and ancient Japanese martial arts to make an amazing mix of kick-assery. (I hear by proclaim “kick-assery” an official word, by the by.) Anyway, most people would put this at the top of their list, not me. A buddy of mine and me were discussing that the later seasons kind of lost their luster. The first few were great but they really started to jump the shark after a while. And I could be wrong but I think the animation started to get lazy too with stranger ways of drawing the turtles and not a care as to how they looked. . .

TMNTYeah. Lazy eye confuses the best of us.

. . . maybe its just me.

And drum roll please. . . .

. . .

Oh for fuck’s sake.

*drum roll*




transformersFuck! We’re stuck in a middle school kid’s math grid paper!

This was the show of my youth. Giant robots that turned to vehicles and had epic battles on Earth. You all know the backstory to this diddy of a show. What makes this show stand out for me above all the others though? One crazy fucker is what defined the show for me:

starscream“It’s on like Voltron” or “Yep, in your sister AND your mother too!”


Without Starscream the show would not have been as awesome. There, I said it. He made the show for me, from his suspiciously sounding Cobra Commander voice (Why change the voice? Whatever gets the lil bastards buying toys.) to his ridiculous attempts to overthrow Megatron to which he successfully did in the movie and . . . well, we all know what happened there, ya greedy fuck.

Transformers showed up heroism and an equal amount of being an evil bastard. It had a nice balance to it that made all the characters likable to some degree. You can’t sit there and not tell me that once in a while you rooted for Megatron to fuck up Optimus and laugh that smokers laugh of his at a twitching Optimus Prime in his last moments. Liars.

Up yo ASSDoes he look like a bitch?

Now with the movies Transformers are all the fuckin rage again. But my heart still belongs to the original show where Megatron turned to a gun and Starscream used him to blow shit up. Thinking back on it, Megatron wasn’t shit without Starscream firing him. No wonder Megatron was paranoid as fuck about Starscream taking over. I’d be too if someone used my penis to fire at giant battling robots.


Punisher arrested

31 08 2009

August 31st, 2009

Reports have indicted that a man by the name of Frank Castle was taken into custody today after a 12 hour stand off with Orlando Police at Disney World. Mr. Castle, who was a decorated police officer himself  for the NYPD was sent over the edge years ago when his family was slain after witnessing a gangland murder. He went under the name, “The Punisher” and was a very unstable vigilante who took to extreme measures to punish those who he deemed as vile.

Fast forward to today, August 31st, 2009. It was supposed to be a huge celebration for Marvel Comics and Disney. They had just merged in a 4 billion (US Dollar) deal that would give Disney distribution rights to Marvel’s characters. While the deal had stated that Disney would stay out of the affairs of Marvel’s beloved characters, reports are emerging that it was not the case. The only character Disney had a problem with was Frank Castle himself. They felt a grown man who wielded more weapons than any terrorist organization and has a kill-rate that rivals car crash statistics was not suited for the new venture of Marvel/Disney. They stated that as long as the Punisher was handled they saw no problem with any other Marvel character, even Ghost Rider.

E-mails obtained by police from Mr. Castle’s laptop show that he was literally given an ultimatum by Marvel/Disney. He had to either clean up his act, check himself into a psychiatric ward and upon completion of therapy wear bright pastel colored clothes and call himself “The Hugger” or he would simply be fired. No retirement plans and no “Death of the Punisher” issue as it would be deemed too graphic for Disney standards. He would have to find work at rival DC Comics. This e-mail sent Frank into an even more murderous rampage than he already had, if it were possible.

Mr. Castle booked himself on a flight to Orlando today and apparently, according to Continental Airlines at JFK Airport, was less than thrilled when he was told he was not able to board right then and there. He then become irritable and called an airline employee at the gate, who remains nameless, a “Goddamn beer swilling, cocaine snorting whore.” She was dealing with her own problems as she found out her son was dating Perez Hilton and was the father of his controversial love child and she had let Frank on the plane. She was promptly fired, with no pay, not even a sandwich as a goodbye gift for being an employee for 23 years.

Continental reports that Frank was actually quite pleasant on the plane and there was no alarming situations. He did have a nervous quirk about sitting by the wing and muttered something about “Charlie” and “Nam” to the passenger next to him. Upon landing he promptly made his way to Disneyland. The reports are sketchy at this point, all the Associated Press knows is that Mr. Castle made his way into Disney World and promptly opened fire on every single Disney employee. He did not harm any children nor families. No one is sure as to how he obtained a weapon’s cache and brought it inside the park but the damage is done. The death toll is around 100 employees who died via gunfire, explosions, cotton candy machine suffocations, Capt. Hook’s hand, Jack Sparrow’s sword, decapitations, piano wire, etc.

Eyewitnesses report that Frank was screaming at the top of his lungs about Disney being a bunch of “goat rapers and fistfuckers.” What Mr. Castle failed to realize that the main offices of Disney are in California. So he was pretty much doing the equivalent of Star Wars when they blew up the Death Star in Return of the Jedi. He killed only workers who had nothing to do with anything and not the head honchos themselves. Mr. Castle was apprehended when the Orlando SWAT team had to subdue him with 10 tasers when he was reloading his AK-47 for the 15th time. They tried to open fire on Frank but eyewitnesses say he slowed the bullets down and literally danced through them. An eyewitness, Todd Stevens, a self-proclaimed speed freak proclaimed, “It was like, uh, Neo in the Matrix, man. Fucking, bullet time and shit.” He was the only credible source and the only one stupid enough to be standing there at the time. The SWAT team refuses to speak about the so-called, “Bullet time incident.”

Mr. Castle is now in police custody and is apparently strapped down and being fed an IV drip of morphine, codeine and valium to control his murderous rage. A sad tale for a beloved character who despite his actions was seen as an anti-hero, but a hero nonetheless. Mr. Castle can face the death penalty by being burned alive. Many are in fear of this because the ink he gives off is toxic in origin.