Past favorite songs that still make me giddy

5 04 2010

So I been on a kick of listening to songs that I loved as a young lad, a whopping 15 years ago or so. It’s amazing how much my musical taste has changed in some aspects and none at all in others! So, without any real proper introduction, here are a few of my favorite songs when I was a confused teenager. As usual, in no real order.

Not if You Were the Last Junkie on Earth- The Dandy Warhols

I was instantly won over with this song. Not sure why, may have been the ridiculous visuals of dancing hyperdarmic needles or Zia McCabe’s boobs bouncing about or the repetitively catchy chorus. Or maybe it was a combination of all three? Either way, I was won over and loved the song. It was during that strange and wonderous time when MTV actually played videos and mixed it up with some shows. Kids nowadays don’t know what that was like, to actually have MTV play videos and not shows that, like, talk about, real life and stuff. Y’know, high school is real tough and my dad didn’t give me the keys to the Porsche so I’m all mad at him. . . .

. . . where was I. . . where AM I. . . ?

Who Was In My Room Last Night? – Butthole Surfers

Yeah, I was a cool kid and loved the Butthole Surfers. Anyway, I forgot how ridiclously pointless early-mid 90’s alternative rock videos were. Don’t get me wrong, I loved the whole vibe going on in the video, but what the fuck was going on here? Seriously? And this was in the heyday when Flea sporadically showed up in videos for no reason. I’m sure it went like this:

Video Director: Alright let’s get this shit on the road. I have ten pounds of blow and an O.D.ing hooker in my trailer I need to get rid of.

(Flea stumbles in)

Flea: Ey! Can I be in the video too!?

V.D.(like what I did there?): What the fu-? Aw goddammit it’s Flea! Ugh. Fuckin, what do you want?

Flea: Like I said, I wanna be in the video!!! *hops up and down, probably naked with his dick flapping in the breeze*

V.D.: Jesus Christ, fine! Just get some pants on and stop flapping that shit in my face!

Flea:YAAAY!!!

I think that’s how even Red Hot Chili Pepper video shoots went . . .

Ugh, you can almost smell the ball stank . . .

California Love – 2Pac & Dr. Dre

Yeah I had a wide mix. Anyway, I used to have a real weird OCD when I was in middle school and had to watch a certain channel at a certain time before school started or my day would suck. LLet me rephrase that, my day would suck even more. Anyway, at first I didn’t dig this one too much but after hearing it like . . . 20 million times, it was bound to grow on me. Then it got to the point where I would sit up and do the 2Pac dance to the “shake, shake it baby” part. It comes in around the 3:15 mark. Imagine it, a fat lil bastard kid with a fuzzy head trying to do a black guy dance at 6 in the morning. Yeah, it’s as hilarious as it sounds.

Not me, but you get a good idea as to what I was looking like.

Triumph- Wu-Tang Clan

The Wu. I was fuckin. Blown. Away. This was my first real exposure to the Wu other than hearing it from other kids at school when Return to the 36 Chambers came out. Then Wu-Tang Forever came out and they dropped THIS on the world. While the video is kinda fuckin hokey looking back at it, the lyrics each member spit was classic. I was just flabbergasted at how amazing hip hop could be at this point. I really have nothing witty to say to be honest. This was a life-altering moment for me, plain and simple.

Goodnight sweet prince. Shimmy shimmy ya!

Scenario – A Tribe Called Quest

Just like the Wu, A Tribe Called Quest were another group that opened my eyes to the greatness of hip-hop. Especially since this was not a song that rapped about violence, it was just good lyrics and a guest spot by a young Busta Rhymes. He killed it on this track. It’s a shame he isn’t the rapper he used to be. Maybe he needs to bring back his “Wooha! Got y’all in check” look back.

Ehhh . . . maybe not so much.

Say You’ll Be There – Spice Girls

Ok so apparently I can’t embed the original vid. So enjoy this half-assed live version. Meh

Shut. The. Fuck. Up. Not one of you bastards out there can’t tell me not a single one of you remotely liked any of there songs! And if you do, you’re a fucking liar!

*clears throat*

So, anyway. When I saw these 5 sassy British tarts in this video you could literally see the Heavens open up, the angels singing, a bright white light beaming down into my very soul as these poor singers won me over with their eccentric personalities, tight clothes and big fuck off shoes.

Mm! You can step on my cubes any day of the week.

Anyway, I had a secret-not-so-secret obsession with them that made many, if not everyone question my sexuality. Happy to say I am still straight after all these years! So what if I probably would have cried if I saw them in person a long with every other teenybopper in attendence? Doesn’t make me any less of a man!

Yeah, that is pretty much what I'd look like as well.

One day I’ll delve into my deep and dark obsession with all things Spice. But not right now! I don’t want to waste any comedy fodder. Anyway, so yeah. This was my happy song for a while and fuck you sideways if you hate it.

Honorable Mention!!!!

No Diggity- Blackstreet

Yeah, who the fuck did NOT love this song? I guarantee you that you play this at a party with a group of mid to late 20-somethings they will flip the fuck out. Now if they flip out because they love the song or are traumatized still by the creepy fuckin black puppets in the video is still up for debate.

Don't let it fool you, it's pure fuckin nightmare fuel!!

Jesus Christ I think I shit myself.

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5 Cartoons That Make Me Long for a Time Machine

11 09 2009

Ahh, children’s shows. Who doesn’t have amazing memories of cartoons from their youth? They were an escape from reality, school, parents and the inevitable masturbation habit that would soon replace these beloved cartoon icons. Now, I was born in that foul year of the God’s 1981. I remember when cartoons were made for one thing, to sell toys. They weren’t out to teach me a lesson (that is what Eureak’s Castle was for).Eureaka's Muthafuckin Castle!Batley FTW!

No, cartoons of my youth were meant to sell me toys and to show how fucking awesome it was to be an animated animal/human/humanoid/cyborg/monster. When I look back on these cartoons it is easy to see that some have not aged well, nor even synched right half the time, or even the right fucking colors. That is neither here nor there, what we are here for is to see the awesomeness of cartoons of my youth! Let’s go! C’mon, let us run like wild rabbits!

#5.     He-Man and the Masters of the Universe

He-Man, paving the way to be gayIs it sexy in here or it just me? Ho, ho!

Yeah, yeah, get the gay jokes out of the way. Other than that, He-Man was the closest thing a kid could get to watching Arnold rip shit up as Conan the Barbarian, without the boobs and heads rolling like, well, heads rolling. I pretty much likened He-Man to Conan until I was able to actually watch the flick and realize they had no similarities other than muscular builds, ass-kicking and a chick you may or may not be attracted to but feel weird if you are not attracted to her. Ah-nuldI marry who? I’m the governor of what!?

The thing is, what wasn’t there to like about He-Man? The show had awesome characters, magic, demons and Skeletor. The comedy was sub-par at best and the one liners were nowhere near Ninja Turtle caliber, but it did the job. The animation was wonky as all hell and there was definitely questionable homoeroticism (dammit, gay joke) but the show was harmless enough and made boys want to be, well, it made us want to look like wrestler HHH when we got older.

Trips“Fuck a sword, I just need a water bottle!”

Not that there is anything wrong with being a barbarian. Just there are laws against beheadings and I don’t think society smiles on people in furry hot pants and boots, at least not those with a dick.

#4     X-Men


X-MENNot the only title to employ electricity *Spoiler*

Ah, yes, this was a great show. This fueled my comic collecting in full force when I was 10 or 11. X-Men wasn’t as serious as Batman The Animated Series but it still captivated kids with Wolverine being a badass and Gambit being a smooth motherfucker, so much so that I walked around acting like him and talking in a poor Cajun-New Jersey hybrid accent. Oh, and I was fat too, double trouble.

Gambit, sizzlin the ladiesYep, that was how I saw myself, except fatter . . .

The show also showed me that spandex suits wasn’t just reserved for wrestlers, oh no, it showed me the curves of the lady folk. Sure, they were drawn and animated but at the time it was the only thing I was able to watch that had tits. I had no access to porn and this was before the internet became available to the masses. So I developed bizarre crushes on the animated ladies of X-Men. My favorite was Rogue, the sassy Southern belle that sucked out people’s energy/mutant power/life in general when she made skin contact. She was my woman at the time.

RogueYep, melted me like butter on a griddle

Christ, I need to seek help.

#3     Batman: The Animated Series

Batman, na na na na na BATMAN!Shit, that lightning is getting close! Must. Scowl. MORE!

Honestly, this show was NOT made for kids, but fuck us back then, it was quality viewing! I watched an episode not too long ago and Batman helped a guy kick his drug habit in fuckin rehab! See, it was somewhat educational for the future junkie in all of us! Anyway, this was Batman at his finest after the 1989 Batman and before Chris Nolan’s Batman Begins and Dark Knight. All of the other Batman related items really didn’t do the Dark Knight justice (ha, slight pun). Others state that Batman Beyond was decent, but seriously, nothing holds a candle to the original Fox Kids run of Batman. The show had dark tones, very dark themes and Mark (motherfuckin Luke Skywalker!) Hamill as the Joker. This was also the introduction to everyone’s favorite sociopathic sex God, Harley Quinn. Something about a chick in a jester outfit . . .

Harley!Yeaaah, she can blow me up anytime.

Batman the Animated series showed us that Batman was more than a guy in a suit that made words like “PUNT!” “BOOM!” “SHAZAM!”  flash on the screen. No disrespect to Adam West, but seriously, that sent Batman back a few years. At least kids of my era had an idea of what a tortured soul Batman really was and that he was no more human than we were; you know, except for the whole parents murdered in front of us so we take our inheritance our father left us (in our case a Coke and a smile) and go on an insane life-long vigilante mission to rid the world of evil. . .

I’m lucky if I’m able to rid myself of hemorrhoids.

#2    Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Turtles!Donatello makes the save by covering Leonardo’s dick

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, the mecca of kids screaming in their parent’s faces when they wanted a new toy. What is there not to love about 4 mutated turtles who loves them some pizza, use kung-fu on ninja robots, use hip late 80’s slang like “Radical!” and “Tubular!” and take orders from a 6-foot Japanese rat? Jesus Christ, it sounds like a bad stoner flick doesn’t it?

Fuck you because it doesn’t! It was quality programming to make us want toys that we would end up breaking or lose to playground bets. Shit man, those were tough times running a dice game racket.

Craps!I remember it like it was yesterday . . .

The show had a way of infusing futuristic technology and ancient Japanese martial arts to make an amazing mix of kick-assery. (I hear by proclaim “kick-assery” an official word, by the by.) Anyway, most people would put this at the top of their list, not me. A buddy of mine and me were discussing that the later seasons kind of lost their luster. The first few were great but they really started to jump the shark after a while. And I could be wrong but I think the animation started to get lazy too with stranger ways of drawing the turtles and not a care as to how they looked. . .

TMNTYeah. Lazy eye confuses the best of us.

. . . maybe its just me.

And drum roll please. . . .

. . .

Oh for fuck’s sake.

*drum roll*

 

 

#1    TRANSFORMERS

transformersFuck! We’re stuck in a middle school kid’s math grid paper!

This was the show of my youth. Giant robots that turned to vehicles and had epic battles on Earth. You all know the backstory to this diddy of a show. What makes this show stand out for me above all the others though? One crazy fucker is what defined the show for me:

starscream“It’s on like Voltron” or “Yep, in your sister AND your mother too!”

Starscream.

Without Starscream the show would not have been as awesome. There, I said it. He made the show for me, from his suspiciously sounding Cobra Commander voice (Why change the voice? Whatever gets the lil bastards buying toys.) to his ridiculous attempts to overthrow Megatron to which he successfully did in the movie and . . . well, we all know what happened there, ya greedy fuck.

Transformers showed up heroism and an equal amount of being an evil bastard. It had a nice balance to it that made all the characters likable to some degree. You can’t sit there and not tell me that once in a while you rooted for Megatron to fuck up Optimus and laugh that smokers laugh of his at a twitching Optimus Prime in his last moments. Liars.

Up yo ASSDoes he look like a bitch?

Now with the movies Transformers are all the fuckin rage again. But my heart still belongs to the original show where Megatron turned to a gun and Starscream used him to blow shit up. Thinking back on it, Megatron wasn’t shit without Starscream firing him. No wonder Megatron was paranoid as fuck about Starscream taking over. I’d be too if someone used my penis to fire at giant battling robots.