The D-Files (Douchebag)

9 04 2010

Sweet Jesus. The days are getting longer, the sun is shining a bit more brightly, birds are chirping their collective asses off. So you know what that means don’t you, kids? That’s right! The douchebags are coming! They’re already starting to infect the local beaches already from war front reports already. Thankfully, the weather won’t be too warm this weekend so that will keep those fuckers at bay for a little while. It just seems the seasons start way too early. We just get done cleaning up after those fucktwits and they come to rape the sands with their fist pumps and steroid shrunk penises. Some would akin this to pure gonzo rape and I would have to agree! I can sit here and blame the show “Jersey Shore” for the influx of douchebags. I won’t go there, that is too easy and c’mon, do we really need more shit about Snooki being cold cocked in the face? (click the picture if it doesn’t move)

Actually, even though it IS a girl, there is something sickly rewarding about this.

Chances are if you have stumbled upon this, you are fully aware of what a douchebag is. To the uninformed or those who have heard of this term and feel it is a feminine product, brother, you are dead wrong.

This ain't yo momma's douchebag anymore

NO! This is not what we are talking about here! Whoa no! Dear children gather around and see what abominations that have spewed forth on the once respectable seaside towns of New Jersey! Behold the douchebag that infects the world with their asshole ways and STD-laden fingers!

Ugh, look at them! God hates douchebags.

Now, I have studied these fiends for quite some time. In face I have personally dealt with them on a personal basis from working at a local bar. Here are the stats:

Name: Douchebag(s), Long Island Douchebag, North Jersey Douchebag, Guido, Fuckin guido, Bag of Douche, Douchearus Bagarus

Species: At one time human, now simply a bag. Of douche.

Height: They average around 5’3 to 5’10. The Italian gene has not been kind to them.

Lifespan: We have yet seen one live past 30 since this is a new species.

Origin: Northern New Jersey and parts of New York City. The biggest migration of this species hails from Long Island. Or as their bizarre speech (more on that later) dicates, “Long Giland”

Environment: The douchebag is at home at any place that plays loud, bass-thumping dance music. It can just be a fat man going “untz untz untz untz” into a microphone placed in his mouth. If it can be made into a dance song, it will be played and they WILL dance to it! Poorly I might add.

UNTZ! UNTZ! UNTZ! UNTZ!

Physical Features: Fake skin that is tanned to the finest of assless chaps brown color, hair spiked like Sonic the Hedgehog after an orgy with Got 2 Be Hair Glue or Elmer’s if on a tight budget.

If Sonic was a douchebag

Muscular body that is usually aided by the way of steroids. A douchebag can not bother with spending time in the gym when he can be ripping the clubs up. If one sees a douchebag at the gym, they are there to try to impress someone. DO NOT BE FOOLED!

Seriously, WHAT. THE. FUCK!?

They also have the bizarre tendency to have lips in a permanent “kiss face” like a kissing fish or Derek Zoolander. They feel the need to do the “Magnum” or “Blue Steel” in every picture ever taken of them in their environment. This may either be a courting type of behavior or to ward off enemies, we are not sure as we are laughing too hard at them.

Dear God Ben Stiller, what have you done!??

They also wear clothes by a clothing line called Ed Hardy. If you are seen looking at a shirt that says, Ed Hardy, you will be shot on sight by our crack team of Douchebagologists. DO NOT even LOOK at an Ed Hardy shirt. It is to note that these shirts are worn at the the smallest size possible to fit their frames, I guess it is to make their muscles stand out? They also accommodate this with tight jeans that show the ill-effects of steroid use and the male penis. They also tend to wear obnoxious jewelry like silver/gold chains and other “accessories.”

Personality Traits: Loud, obnoxious, egotistical-like behavior that borders on the megalomaniacal. They always seem to have a smirky grin from an over-inflated ego when they are having a “good time.” Since the steroids are so infused in their blood they can snap at any given moment. Most of the time it is their cosmopolitan drinks in a plastic cup spill on their shimmery new Ed Hardy shirt (with a gold sequined tiger marauding a fish or some shit) that drive them over the top. Or if someone accidentally bumps into them while they are, “fish-pumping like a champion” on the dance floor. It is best to turn and move in the other direction when one sees a douchebag as their behavior and general aura is one that will suck a victim into the endless void of stupidity. Their dialect is a peculiar item as they interject syllables into words that make them sound entirely like new words! For example, you say “bathroom” they say “batchroom” What is a “batchroom?” I guess it is where cookies are made? We are still deciphering their bizarre language.

Yeaaaah, now dat's a batchroom youse guyz!

It is interesting to note that while dancing they do a strange type of . . . mating call? It is a bizarre arm flex called, “fist pumping.”

The man on the right may be his dad

Now apparently, this is a joyous gesture if they like a song. It is pretty much the white man equivalent of break dancing. The douchebag cares about their looks than most women do their entire lives. So they do not want to mess their hair up too much because, then what reason do they have to live? So the fist pump is as close to dancing as they get.

Now, what sort of person would be attracted to this kind of beast? Why, it is quite simple! The douchette!

May or may not have been a man at one point

Notice she exhibits the same, “Blue Steel” look anytime a camera flashes. And her skin looks as if it is the color of the finest mahogany furniture in Ron Burgundy’s apartment. You can pretty much apply the same traits to the Douchette, except that her breasts are made entirely out of plastic and chances are she will experience silicon leaking while dancing or even trying her hand at fist pumping.

Now that we have a more in-depth look at these fucking jokers, we know our mission. Your training is for this purpose. Polish the sniper rifles my loves, for we are hunting guidos this summer.

We shall avenge you, Sniper Cat





5 Songs That Would Make You Fight Douchey People

14 09 2009

Ah, the power of music and what it does to the human brain. Songs from Pink Floyd make you want to slit your wrist, Black Eyed Peas make you want to either shake ya ass or punch a series of midgets in drag. You get the idea. Music is a powerful communication tool that makes us feel good, bad and sometimes nothing at all. . . nothing at all . . . nothing at all! Stupid Sexy FlandersStupid sexy Flanders!

Good god.

Anyway, some songs just make you, not so much angry, as it just makes you want to start punching people, repeatedly. In the face. Or the dick. One or the other. So, the following list, you may agree or disagree, are so full of aggression that you want to fight douchebags just because they are there. I will try not to put obscure hardcore bands because I’m kind of oblivious to all of that and don’t need a hardcore flame war going on. Jackasses.

And as an added bonus I break down the punchability of the elderly by the awesome “Douchey-Punch-O-Meter” it gives an accurate result as to how many douchey people you can knock around before it is out of your system.

#5 Bulls on Parade – Rage Against The Machine

Technically, I could do every single Rage song and it would fit under this list. But “Bulls” is just a straight punch to the face right off the bat. Even the infamous, “Killing in the Name” with it’s “Fuck you I won’t do whatcha tell me!!” line starts off a bit slow. “Bulls” jumps on your chest and pounds your skull into a wall. It’s one of those songs that you get angry at the government for no reason and you could the president. I can see Obama cranking this and punching Joe Wilson in the cakehole.

Douchey-Punch-O-Meter: 5 Ferrari Driving 70 year olds

#4  “Wu-Tang Clan Ain’t Nuttin ta Fuck Wit” – Wu-Tang Clan (No shit?)

The Wu are one of the best hip hop groups of all time. And their classic “Fuck wit” song is off their first album and it immediately lets the listener know that they are going to fuck shit up. And then it spreads to the listener and they feel they are an angry black guy and wind up getting their asses kicked. And then they go home crying and wondering why there dad left them all those years ago to shack up with a stripper in Las Vegas who used to have a penis and went by the name of George before changing it to “Georgina the Georgia Peach” . . . where was I?

Oh yeah. Wu-Tang Clan ain’t nuttin ta fuck wit!!!

Douchey-Punch-O-Meter: 10 guys who wear chick pants to show they have no dick

#3 “Fucking Hostile” – Pantera

This is another band who I could devote an entire article kicking a douchebag’s ass repeatedly. Maybe against a stone wall, yeah that would work wonders. This one flat out tells you from the title that it will call you a fucking ugly bitch, kick your puppy, stab you to death and play with your blood. (I officially met my weekly quota of using American Psycho quotes in daily speech, thank you, thank you!) The song is also helped by Dimebag’s monstrous guitar work and Phil’s raging vocals. The dude might have been a prick during his drug days but he could fuckin scream. He isn’t on par with Rob Halford of Judas Priest who I have recurring nightmares of me waking up to him standing over my bed and screaming in my face with his angry bald gay head. And I don’t mean gay as an insult, the dude is gay, go ask him. Or listen to early Priest records and it becomes kind of obvious. Anyway, here is the Douchey-Punch-O-Meter.
Douchey-Punch-O-Meter: 14 White kids who think they are black and one cat lady
#2  “March of the Pigs” – Nine Inch Nails

Ever wanted to just roll in mud for a while, then when that got boring just run out and kick someone in the side of the face? Yeah I never did that either, no, why would I want to do that? Don’t look at me that way!
Anyway, this song makes me want to break glass or something and maybe go outside for a little while to catch a breeze. And dress like a werewolf. While drunk. And maybe have my penis out, because what the hell? Might as well go the whole nine yards, am I right fellas? Aww yeeaaah you know it! *high five*
Douchey-Punch-O-Meter: 20 guys named either Rex, Troy or “Flex” or any name referring to working out. And maybe 5 Guidos named Anthony, pronounced “Antnee”
#1 “Raining Blood” – Slayer

SLAYYYEEERRRRRRRRRR!!!!!! Sorry, they are one of those bands that has to be said that way or the effect isn’t quite there. Anyway, this song is just flat out evil and it should come with a warning that it may just make you kill random people then blame it on the neighbor’s dog for telling you to do it. Not that I would know about that sort of thing. . . WHAT!? You didn’t see SHIT!! I’ll stab you in the cockhole!
Douchey-Punch-O-Meter: Every. Single. Long Island. Douche. Bag. In Existence.
RAAAAGGHH!! HULK SMASH DOUCHEBAGS!!Yes. Kill. Them. ALL!!!!