The D-Files (Douchebag)

9 04 2010

Sweet Jesus. The days are getting longer, the sun is shining a bit more brightly, birds are chirping their collective asses off. So you know what that means don’t you, kids? That’s right! The douchebags are coming! They’re already starting to infect the local beaches already from war front reports already. Thankfully, the weather won’t be too warm this weekend so that will keep those fuckers at bay for a little while. It just seems the seasons start way too early. We just get done cleaning up after those fucktwits and they come to rape the sands with their fist pumps and steroid shrunk penises. Some would akin this to pure gonzo rape and I would have to agree! I can sit here and blame the show “Jersey Shore” for the influx of douchebags. I won’t go there, that is too easy and c’mon, do we really need more shit about Snooki being cold cocked in the face? (click the picture if it doesn’t move)

Actually, even though it IS a girl, there is something sickly rewarding about this.

Chances are if you have stumbled upon this, you are fully aware of what a douchebag is. To the uninformed or those who have heard of this term and feel it is a feminine product, brother, you are dead wrong.

This ain't yo momma's douchebag anymore

NO! This is not what we are talking about here! Whoa no! Dear children gather around and see what abominations that have spewed forth on the once respectable seaside towns of New Jersey! Behold the douchebag that infects the world with their asshole ways and STD-laden fingers!

Ugh, look at them! God hates douchebags.

Now, I have studied these fiends for quite some time. In face I have personally dealt with them on a personal basis from working at a local bar. Here are the stats:

Name: Douchebag(s), Long Island Douchebag, North Jersey Douchebag, Guido, Fuckin guido, Bag of Douche, Douchearus Bagarus

Species: At one time human, now simply a bag. Of douche.

Height: They average around 5’3 to 5’10. The Italian gene has not been kind to them.

Lifespan: We have yet seen one live past 30 since this is a new species.

Origin: Northern New Jersey and parts of New York City. The biggest migration of this species hails from Long Island. Or as their bizarre speech (more on that later) dicates, “Long Giland”

Environment: The douchebag is at home at any place that plays loud, bass-thumping dance music. It can just be a fat man going “untz untz untz untz” into a microphone placed in his mouth. If it can be made into a dance song, it will be played and they WILL dance to it! Poorly I might add.


Physical Features: Fake skin that is tanned to the finest of assless chaps brown color, hair spiked like Sonic the Hedgehog after an orgy with Got 2 Be Hair Glue or Elmer’s if on a tight budget.

If Sonic was a douchebag

Muscular body that is usually aided by the way of steroids. A douchebag can not bother with spending time in the gym when he can be ripping the clubs up. If one sees a douchebag at the gym, they are there to try to impress someone. DO NOT BE FOOLED!

Seriously, WHAT. THE. FUCK!?

They also have the bizarre tendency to have lips in a permanent “kiss face” like a kissing fish or Derek Zoolander. They feel the need to do the “Magnum” or “Blue Steel” in every picture ever taken of them in their environment. This may either be a courting type of behavior or to ward off enemies, we are not sure as we are laughing too hard at them.

Dear God Ben Stiller, what have you done!??

They also wear clothes by a clothing line called Ed Hardy. If you are seen looking at a shirt that says, Ed Hardy, you will be shot on sight by our crack team of Douchebagologists. DO NOT even LOOK at an Ed Hardy shirt. It is to note that these shirts are worn at the the smallest size possible to fit their frames, I guess it is to make their muscles stand out? They also accommodate this with tight jeans that show the ill-effects of steroid use and the male penis. They also tend to wear obnoxious jewelry like silver/gold chains and other “accessories.”

Personality Traits: Loud, obnoxious, egotistical-like behavior that borders on the megalomaniacal. They always seem to have a smirky grin from an over-inflated ego when they are having a “good time.” Since the steroids are so infused in their blood they can snap at any given moment. Most of the time it is their cosmopolitan drinks in a plastic cup spill on their shimmery new Ed Hardy shirt (with a gold sequined tiger marauding a fish or some shit) that drive them over the top. Or if someone accidentally bumps into them while they are, “fish-pumping like a champion” on the dance floor. It is best to turn and move in the other direction when one sees a douchebag as their behavior and general aura is one that will suck a victim into the endless void of stupidity. Their dialect is a peculiar item as they interject syllables into words that make them sound entirely like new words! For example, you say “bathroom” they say “batchroom” What is a “batchroom?” I guess it is where cookies are made? We are still deciphering their bizarre language.

Yeaaaah, now dat's a batchroom youse guyz!

It is interesting to note that while dancing they do a strange type of . . . mating call? It is a bizarre arm flex called, “fist pumping.”

The man on the right may be his dad

Now apparently, this is a joyous gesture if they like a song. It is pretty much the white man equivalent of break dancing. The douchebag cares about their looks than most women do their entire lives. So they do not want to mess their hair up too much because, then what reason do they have to live? So the fist pump is as close to dancing as they get.

Now, what sort of person would be attracted to this kind of beast? Why, it is quite simple! The douchette!

May or may not have been a man at one point

Notice she exhibits the same, “Blue Steel” look anytime a camera flashes. And her skin looks as if it is the color of the finest mahogany furniture in Ron Burgundy’s apartment. You can pretty much apply the same traits to the Douchette, except that her breasts are made entirely out of plastic and chances are she will experience silicon leaking while dancing or even trying her hand at fist pumping.

Now that we have a more in-depth look at these fucking jokers, we know our mission. Your training is for this purpose. Polish the sniper rifles my loves, for we are hunting guidos this summer.

We shall avenge you, Sniper Cat


DJ Hero, please come soon. . .

27 10 2009



Yeah, it’s been a while. Too much to do and unaware of life.

Anyway, I had DJ Hero pre-ordered for my birthday (Oct.12th to be exact) and it came out today! BUT WAIT! I don’t have my copy yet! See, it wasn’t shipped out until today, the release date. You would think they would get a jump on it and ship it out to the folks that pre-ordered so it is here that day? I mean, all the cool kids are just going to the store and buying it and by the time I get to it, it will be old hat. Bastards.

Now, I AM stoked about playing this game. Totally stoked. It sold me on Jay-Z being involved and I nearly imploded when I found out Daft Punk were playable characters in the game itself!


Daft Punk! Oowa! Oowa!

If I had that scrolly helmet, mine would say, "Onions = Herpes of Fast Food Burgers"


I am literally going mad waiting for this game to be shipped into my, “Dear God I will be 30 years old in two years and still get giddy about video games” hands. I will watch game clip videos, YES, I degraded myself to watch gameplay videos and I will tap and scratch along on the desk to the screen. HOW PATHETIC AM I?



Apparently I am "fucking pathetic," what does THAT pussy know?

So I will sit there and be DJ Razor Blade Dream all to my lonesome and my imaginary turntable. *sigh* I’ve always wanted a real turntable but they are expensive apparently and I don’t know the first thing about finding a good one or even a good used one. And even if I did know what to get, I wouldn’t know what else I would need other than a shitload of vinyl. If anyone could inform me as to what turntable brand and model is the God of scratchin’ then let me know.

So the game was shipped today and I have to wait 5-10 business days. What the fuck kind of window is that? Seriously. 5-10? I can see 10 days if it is coming from China, like my Mac. Even that came at a relatively decent rate. I can drive to the place that shipped it and back sooner than 10 days. And bear in mind, this is BUSINESS days. So only Monday thru Friday. My buddy is a mailman but USPS are a bunch of grape jam fuckers.



And here's your Fingerhut catalog and ya got a grape jam jar I could fuck?

So, your lonely hero (fuck you if I’m not) sits here waiting impatiently for his DJ Hero Renegade Edition for the X-Box 360. Know what the Renegade Edition is? For one, the knobs and crossfader controls are made out of metal, gold plated that is. That is the Texas Tea of flea market jewelry folks. Gold. Plated. And the color scheme is a sexy ass black with bits of gold here and there. They are my school colors to boot. So, double trouble there. It also includes a 2-disc Jay-Z and Eminem cd. I have most of the songs anyway, but it’s a nice touch. It also comes with a carrying case that turns to a stand so I don’t have to use my lap or a random table. I just wanted the sexy ass turntable. Mmm, black and gold turntable how I love thee. . .



Mmm . . . gold plated sexiness. And the case has purty legs.

So, to the mail Gods or whoever is in charge of the USPS in Eastbumblefuck, Ohio . . . please make sure my game comes to me in one piece and in a timely manner. It’s pathetic to see me “air scratch” and people think I’m masturbating when I work the “air crossfader.” Please, if not for me, do it for the children. Thank you, jam fucker.