Past favorite songs that still make me giddy

5 04 2010

So I been on a kick of listening to songs that I loved as a young lad, a whopping 15 years ago or so. It’s amazing how much my musical taste has changed in some aspects and none at all in others! So, without any real proper introduction, here are a few of my favorite songs when I was a confused teenager. As usual, in no real order.

Not if You Were the Last Junkie on Earth- The Dandy Warhols

I was instantly won over with this song. Not sure why, may have been the ridiculous visuals of dancing hyperdarmic needles or Zia McCabe’s boobs bouncing about or the repetitively catchy chorus. Or maybe it was a combination of all three? Either way, I was won over and loved the song. It was during that strange and wonderous time when MTV actually played videos and mixed it up with some shows. Kids nowadays don’t know what that was like, to actually have MTV play videos and not shows that, like, talk about, real life and stuff. Y’know, high school is real tough and my dad didn’t give me the keys to the Porsche so I’m all mad at him. . . .

. . . where was I. . . where AM I. . . ?

Who Was In My Room Last Night? – Butthole Surfers

Yeah, I was a cool kid and loved the Butthole Surfers. Anyway, I forgot how ridiclously pointless early-mid 90’s alternative rock videos were. Don’t get me wrong, I loved the whole vibe going on in the video, but what the fuck was going on here? Seriously? And this was in the heyday when Flea sporadically showed up in videos for no reason. I’m sure it went like this:

Video Director: Alright let’s get this shit on the road. I have ten pounds of blow and an O.D.ing hooker in my trailer I need to get rid of.

(Flea stumbles in)

Flea: Ey! Can I be in the video too!?

V.D.(like what I did there?): What the fu-? Aw goddammit it’s Flea! Ugh. Fuckin, what do you want?

Flea: Like I said, I wanna be in the video!!! *hops up and down, probably naked with his dick flapping in the breeze*

V.D.: Jesus Christ, fine! Just get some pants on and stop flapping that shit in my face!

Flea:YAAAY!!!

I think that’s how even Red Hot Chili Pepper video shoots went . . .

Ugh, you can almost smell the ball stank . . .

California Love – 2Pac & Dr. Dre

Yeah I had a wide mix. Anyway, I used to have a real weird OCD when I was in middle school and had to watch a certain channel at a certain time before school started or my day would suck. LLet me rephrase that, my day would suck even more. Anyway, at first I didn’t dig this one too much but after hearing it like . . . 20 million times, it was bound to grow on me. Then it got to the point where I would sit up and do the 2Pac dance to the “shake, shake it baby” part. It comes in around the 3:15 mark. Imagine it, a fat lil bastard kid with a fuzzy head trying to do a black guy dance at 6 in the morning. Yeah, it’s as hilarious as it sounds.

Not me, but you get a good idea as to what I was looking like.

Triumph- Wu-Tang Clan

The Wu. I was fuckin. Blown. Away. This was my first real exposure to the Wu other than hearing it from other kids at school when Return to the 36 Chambers came out. Then Wu-Tang Forever came out and they dropped THIS on the world. While the video is kinda fuckin hokey looking back at it, the lyrics each member spit was classic. I was just flabbergasted at how amazing hip hop could be at this point. I really have nothing witty to say to be honest. This was a life-altering moment for me, plain and simple.

Goodnight sweet prince. Shimmy shimmy ya!

Scenario – A Tribe Called Quest

Just like the Wu, A Tribe Called Quest were another group that opened my eyes to the greatness of hip-hop. Especially since this was not a song that rapped about violence, it was just good lyrics and a guest spot by a young Busta Rhymes. He killed it on this track. It’s a shame he isn’t the rapper he used to be. Maybe he needs to bring back his “Wooha! Got y’all in check” look back.

Ehhh . . . maybe not so much.

Say You’ll Be There – Spice Girls

Ok so apparently I can’t embed the original vid. So enjoy this half-assed live version. Meh

Shut. The. Fuck. Up. Not one of you bastards out there can’t tell me not a single one of you remotely liked any of there songs! And if you do, you’re a fucking liar!

*clears throat*

So, anyway. When I saw these 5 sassy British tarts in this video you could literally see the Heavens open up, the angels singing, a bright white light beaming down into my very soul as these poor singers won me over with their eccentric personalities, tight clothes and big fuck off shoes.

Mm! You can step on my cubes any day of the week.

Anyway, I had a secret-not-so-secret obsession with them that made many, if not everyone question my sexuality. Happy to say I am still straight after all these years! So what if I probably would have cried if I saw them in person a long with every other teenybopper in attendence? Doesn’t make me any less of a man!

Yeah, that is pretty much what I'd look like as well.

One day I’ll delve into my deep and dark obsession with all things Spice. But not right now! I don’t want to waste any comedy fodder. Anyway, so yeah. This was my happy song for a while and fuck you sideways if you hate it.

Honorable Mention!!!!

No Diggity- Blackstreet

Yeah, who the fuck did NOT love this song? I guarantee you that you play this at a party with a group of mid to late 20-somethings they will flip the fuck out. Now if they flip out because they love the song or are traumatized still by the creepy fuckin black puppets in the video is still up for debate.

Don't let it fool you, it's pure fuckin nightmare fuel!!

Jesus Christ I think I shit myself.





5 Songs That Would Make You Fight Douchey People

14 09 2009

Ah, the power of music and what it does to the human brain. Songs from Pink Floyd make you want to slit your wrist, Black Eyed Peas make you want to either shake ya ass or punch a series of midgets in drag. You get the idea. Music is a powerful communication tool that makes us feel good, bad and sometimes nothing at all. . . nothing at all . . . nothing at all! Stupid Sexy FlandersStupid sexy Flanders!

Good god.

Anyway, some songs just make you, not so much angry, as it just makes you want to start punching people, repeatedly. In the face. Or the dick. One or the other. So, the following list, you may agree or disagree, are so full of aggression that you want to fight douchebags just because they are there. I will try not to put obscure hardcore bands because I’m kind of oblivious to all of that and don’t need a hardcore flame war going on. Jackasses.

And as an added bonus I break down the punchability of the elderly by the awesome “Douchey-Punch-O-Meter” it gives an accurate result as to how many douchey people you can knock around before it is out of your system.

#5 Bulls on Parade – Rage Against The Machine

Technically, I could do every single Rage song and it would fit under this list. But “Bulls” is just a straight punch to the face right off the bat. Even the infamous, “Killing in the Name” with it’s “Fuck you I won’t do whatcha tell me!!” line starts off a bit slow. “Bulls” jumps on your chest and pounds your skull into a wall. It’s one of those songs that you get angry at the government for no reason and you could the president. I can see Obama cranking this and punching Joe Wilson in the cakehole.

Douchey-Punch-O-Meter: 5 Ferrari Driving 70 year olds

#4  “Wu-Tang Clan Ain’t Nuttin ta Fuck Wit” – Wu-Tang Clan (No shit?)

The Wu are one of the best hip hop groups of all time. And their classic “Fuck wit” song is off their first album and it immediately lets the listener know that they are going to fuck shit up. And then it spreads to the listener and they feel they are an angry black guy and wind up getting their asses kicked. And then they go home crying and wondering why there dad left them all those years ago to shack up with a stripper in Las Vegas who used to have a penis and went by the name of George before changing it to “Georgina the Georgia Peach” . . . where was I?

Oh yeah. Wu-Tang Clan ain’t nuttin ta fuck wit!!!

Douchey-Punch-O-Meter: 10 guys who wear chick pants to show they have no dick

#3 “Fucking Hostile” – Pantera

This is another band who I could devote an entire article kicking a douchebag’s ass repeatedly. Maybe against a stone wall, yeah that would work wonders. This one flat out tells you from the title that it will call you a fucking ugly bitch, kick your puppy, stab you to death and play with your blood. (I officially met my weekly quota of using American Psycho quotes in daily speech, thank you, thank you!) The song is also helped by Dimebag’s monstrous guitar work and Phil’s raging vocals. The dude might have been a prick during his drug days but he could fuckin scream. He isn’t on par with Rob Halford of Judas Priest who I have recurring nightmares of me waking up to him standing over my bed and screaming in my face with his angry bald gay head. And I don’t mean gay as an insult, the dude is gay, go ask him. Or listen to early Priest records and it becomes kind of obvious. Anyway, here is the Douchey-Punch-O-Meter.
Douchey-Punch-O-Meter: 14 White kids who think they are black and one cat lady
#2  “March of the Pigs” – Nine Inch Nails

Ever wanted to just roll in mud for a while, then when that got boring just run out and kick someone in the side of the face? Yeah I never did that either, no, why would I want to do that? Don’t look at me that way!
Anyway, this song makes me want to break glass or something and maybe go outside for a little while to catch a breeze. And dress like a werewolf. While drunk. And maybe have my penis out, because what the hell? Might as well go the whole nine yards, am I right fellas? Aww yeeaaah you know it! *high five*
Douchey-Punch-O-Meter: 20 guys named either Rex, Troy or “Flex” or any name referring to working out. And maybe 5 Guidos named Anthony, pronounced “Antnee”
#1 “Raining Blood” – Slayer

SLAYYYEEERRRRRRRRRR!!!!!! Sorry, they are one of those bands that has to be said that way or the effect isn’t quite there. Anyway, this song is just flat out evil and it should come with a warning that it may just make you kill random people then blame it on the neighbor’s dog for telling you to do it. Not that I would know about that sort of thing. . . WHAT!? You didn’t see SHIT!! I’ll stab you in the cockhole!
Douchey-Punch-O-Meter: Every. Single. Long Island. Douche. Bag. In Existence.
RAAAAGGHH!! HULK SMASH DOUCHEBAGS!!Yes. Kill. Them. ALL!!!!